Category: Movie Reviews

Birdman

BirdmanAstonishing. Explosive. Brilliant. Incredible. Amazing. Stunning.

These are adjectives that are used way to much when professional movie reviewers (much like myself) are trying to get their point across when they love a film.

Well, I’m not going to join the masses when it comes to my review of “Birdman.” I’ll just write it the only way I know how to write it. I’ll “Mattify” it.

So here it goes. Continue reading Birdman

Gone Girl

Gone GirlDavid Fincher.

You don’t know who he is? Well then you’re an idiot.

He’s ONLY one of my favorite directors of this generation, THAT’S who he is. Now don’t you feel like an idiot? Not yet? Well, give it time, I’ll make you feel like an idiot.

David Fincher barely misses when he directs a film.

Let me rattle a few of his movies off to you and see if you agree with me. Continue reading Gone Girl

Tracks

TracksSome films are made to make you laugh. (See: “The Naked Gun”). Some are made to make you cry. (See: “Brian’s Song). Some are made to make you think. (See: “American History X”). And some are made to wisk you off to far, far away lands. (See: “John Carter” … NO, don’t see “John Carter!” See: “The Emipre Strikes Back.”)

Then there are films that inspire us. They inspire us to to be better people. (“Forrest Gump”). They inspire us to never give up. (“Rocky”). They inspire us to stand up for what is right. (“The Passion of the Christ”). And some films inspire us to do the impossible. To reach down into your gut and do what you want to do no matter how ridiculous and difficult it may seem. No matter what anyone says. You got to just do it. Continue reading Tracks

The Maze Runner

The Maze RunnerTHE MAZE RUNNER is not that good of a film, which means the book must’ve been absolutely horrendous. Luckily I have written a great review.

Here we go again, yet ANOTHER Young Adult film to grab a hold of.

I know I’ve written about “Young Adult” films before, so if I say the same thing over again in this article, don’t blame me. And if I change my opinion on these YA (Young Adult) films, well then don’t blame me for that either, because I don’t care. I write whatever I want to write and whatever I write is always right.

I’m never wrong.

A YA film is usually a film made from a novel that teenage girls and young adults grab on to (like lemmings). They usually go around telling everybody that they read this book and that this book is SO AWESOME! Then, a production company buys the rights to the book and turns it into a film. THEN, the movie becomes a huge hit because millions of people would rather see a two hour movie than waste six months of their lives reading a stupid book.

Case in point: “Twilight.” How many people do you really know read that book? Maybe 11 people. I bet you five of them didn’t even read it, they’re just telling you they did so they can sound more smarter than you.

Continue reading The Maze Runner

Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

bannerI don’t know what everyone’s whining about. I saw “Sin City: A Dame To Kill For” and I really liked it.

Now, when I say “everyone” I’m directing my focus towards the critics, these so-called “top professionals” who gave this film a 19% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It truly is not that bad… Not even close. Continue reading Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

The Expendables 3

Expendables 3Yesterday was a busy day at the theatre for me. I went and saw four films. (That’s right, four.) And I could’ve seen a couple more too, but there was nothing else playing there that I hadn’t already seen.
You see, when you’re the greatest P.A. In L.A. you’re always in demand and you don’t get much time off from your job. What you have to do with your precious days off from work is use them wisely. I love my movies and I’m not going to waste my day doing laundry or eating. I’m going to go to the movies and catch up on my films so I can give all of you an accurate review of all the big flicks out there.
So, yesterday I paid to see “The Expendables 3.” Then I snuck into “Let’s Be Cops,” followed by “What If,” and finally closing out with my final “sneak in” of the day with “The Giver.”
Since I’m a professional movie reviewer I figure I’ll review the only movie I paid for, “The Expendables 3.” Continue reading The Expendables 3

Lucy

LucyI love Scarlett Johansson. I also love “I Love Lucy.” But I didn’t really love Scarlett Johansson as ‘Lucy’ in the new film “Lucy.”

As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, I didn’t really like “I love Lucy” all that much. But I still do love Scarlett Johansson. I just didn’t love her as ‘Lucy’ in “Lucy.”

So to set the record straight, I don’t really love “I Love Lucy” or the new film “Lucy,” but I really do love the star of the film “Lucy,” Scarlett Johansson. (just not as ‘Lucy.’)

Good. Now that we’ve got that all straight, let’s review the new film, “Lucy.” Continue reading Lucy

Boyhood

BoyhoodI was born premature on March 31, 1970.

I was also premature on March 11, 2011 when I quickly rushed out of the theatre and spewed out that “Battle: L.A.” would win ‘Best Picture’ at the Oscars.

On May 4, 2012 I was a tad bit premature when came shrieking out of the movie-house bellowing “The Avengers” would get a ‘Best Pic’ nod.

In 2013 I held out a little longer, not releasing my “prematurity” until November 4, when I busted out of the old cineplex moaning that “Blue is the Warmest Color” would sweep the Academy Awards.

And on July 16, 1987 I was premature with my first girlfriend… although she didn’t seem to mind because neither of us knew what the hell we were doing.

Needless to say, I’ve been premature pretty much all my life.

But that ain’t gonna stop me from being premature tonight!

You know what? Actually, tonight I’m going to be mature. I’m going to be mature in telling you all that I have found the “hands down” winner of this year’s “Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences: Film of the Year.” Continue reading Boyhood