Life is good when you look like me… Life is great when you look like Clooney.
What do both myself and George Clooney have in common? Well, besides our dashing good looks, we both have the same taste in women. He reels in beautiful women, and I stare at them like a mental patient. He was the sexiest man alive in 1997, and I was alive in 1997. He was the sixth man to don the Batman cape, and I was the sixth man on my CYO basketball team, learning the ins and outs of hoops under the watchful eye of coach Heylin. But mostly, we both have a thing for movies. He likes making good movies, and I like watching good movies.
Mr. Clooney has been on a wonderful movie tear recently. Just in the past couple of years he has starred in great films like, “The Ides of March,” “The American,” and “Up in the Air.” He was also in “Men Who Stare at Goats,” and if I remember correctly, that movie may have been somewhat terrible.
This week he stars in a new film called “The Descendants.”
There’s been a buzz around this film since it opened, because it opened on only 500 screens nationwide, and in its first ten days it grossed 10 million dollars. So, let me do the math, it averaged… um, let me think, um, I’m gonna say, one million dollars a day? YES! I am correct! Thank you Norwood High School math department!
The story is about a man named Matt King (Clooney) who is a native of Hawaii, and pretty much owns one of the islands. He owns a load of land that he inherited. I think it was about 25,000 acres. For some reason or another he is going to sell the land and divide up the money with his cousins and everyone is gonna be wicked rich… Oh, by the way, most of his cousins suck.
Another plot in this story is that Matt King’s wife has been in a boating accident, and is undoubtedly going to die. Matt must tell all his family and friends to say goodbye to his wife, who is in a coma.
And another plot in this story is, Matt King has two daughters and he really doesn’t know how to care for them. One is 10 and the other is 17. And boy are they a handful.
But wait, another plot in this story is that before the boating accident, Matt King’s wife (who’s in the coma) was having an affair! And guess who had no freaking clue? MATT KING! But his 17-year-old daughter did, and so did a few other friends… with friends like that, who needs enemies, eh?
And another plot in this story… alright, there are no more plots. I think we’ve hit on all of them.
King decides to take a trip to the “big” island with his daughters just to get away from it all… and to find the scallywag who was fornicating with his wife. His 17-year-old daughter is also involved in this little sub-plot with him, and together they make a great team… Personally, I say there’s nothing that can bring a father and daughter closer together than a good old fashioned man-hunt for your wife’s mistress.
It may sound like I’m beating on this movie, but trust me, I’m not. I loved this film. There was just enough going on to make you laugh, cry, and get really, really pissed. If I were George Clooney, I may have ripped this guy’s (the fornicator’s) head off… but that is where me and George Clooney differ. That, and the fact that he was just acting… and, he has 25 million dollars in his pocket. I have 25 bucks… but who cares, we’re both happy!
One thing I realize that I didn’t like about this film was, I am not at all a fan of Hawaiian music. I think the last time I liked it was when Don Ho guest starred on The Brady Bunch when they went to Hawaii and all that bad stuff was happening to the Brady kids. Remember, when Greg almost drowned surfing? And when that tarantula was crawling on Peter? And when Jan got wicked-wicked ugly? Well, two of those three was bad luck, the other one was just bad genes.
Back to “The Descendants.” I loved this film. It was very good to great, and if date night should come around this weekend, catch this flick, guys and dolls shall like it all.
This handsome Patch reporter is out of here!
Matty W. Kelley
Fun Fact: George Clooney auditioned five times for the role of J.D. in “Thelma & Louise.” That role ended up going to Brad Pitt (I guess Clooney wasn’t good looking enough). Another Fun Fact: Boy am I ugly!