Yesterday was a busy day at the theatre for me. I went and saw four films. (That’s right, four.) And I could’ve seen a couple more too, but there was nothing else playing there that I hadn’t already seen.
You see, when you’re the greatest P.A. In L.A. you’re always in demand and you don’t get much time off from your job. What you have to do with your precious days off from work is use them wisely. I love my movies and I’m not going to waste my day doing laundry or eating. I’m going to go to the movies and catch up on my films so I can give all of you an accurate review of all the big flicks out there.
So, yesterday I paid to see “The Expendables 3.” Then I snuck into “Let’s Be Cops,” followed by “What If,” and finally closing out with my final “sneak in” of the day with “The Giver.”
Since I’m a professional movie reviewer I figure I’ll review the only movie I paid for, “The Expendables 3.”
First off, everybody stole this movie off the internet. Not me, I paid to see it. (I just stole three other movies… from the theatre. But whatever, let’s not judge.
Actually, let’s do EXACTLY that, let’s judge. Let’s judge the film “The Expendables 3.”
What do you get when you put the greatest action heroes of yesteryear together with the future action heroes of tomorrow?
You get a predictable film with some funny one-liners, a bunch of explosions and a reality check for the new kids on the block.
What I mean about that is, the youngsters couldn’t hold up their end of the film. They were too green.
I’ll get back to them.
The story is all about family. Your old family and your new family. In this movie there is a crew of old timers who want to avenge the shooting of one of their brothers… But their leader isn’t having it.
Their leader is Barney, a muscle bound meatball who has developed a conscience and doesn’t want his old crew doing this final job. He wants them to live their lives, so he fires them.
But Barney, the stubborn old goat still wants revenge so he hires a crew of kids to finish the job with him. Problem is he develops a conscience and grows fond of these squirts, so he doesn’t want to lose them either.
It’s your typical action movie. Hero screws buddies, hero finds new buddies, hero needs old buddies to save new buddies…. and in the end, everybody’s buddies.
I could’ve written this story while sitting on my toilet…. and yeah, I kinda liked it.
But now it’s time to “mattify” this review for you.
First, ‘The Old”: (I’m gonna be brief)
Sylvester Stallone: He wrote the screenplay for this film. He also wrote the screenplay for “Rocky.” This is no “Rocky.”
Jason Statham: He makes any movie he’s in better. Cool-cat, he is.
Harrison Ford: Eh… Love him. Liked that he was in this. He drove a mean whirly-bird, but it was no Millenium Falcon.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Had the best line of the movie: “Get to da chopper!”
Dolph Lundgren: Was much better in the original, but I love seeing Rocky and Drago in the same movie, so he was good.
Randy Couture: I love his plump ears. I could smear butter all over that cauliflower and eat away at them.
Jet Li: He was in this movie?
Terry Crews: He was in the hospital for most of the movie, but he has the best name in the film: Hale Ceasar.
Kelsey Grammer: What made Dr. Fraiser Crane an action hero? Could it be because he was in “Down Periscope?” Who knows… But I liked his acting in the film.
Next, “The New”:
Glen Powell: He was the best of the newbies. He was cool,calm, and collected.
Victor Ortiz: Short.
Ronda Rousey: Tough girl. Her fighting sequences and her stunts were great. She just needs some more acting lessons and she could be a good female action hero.
Kellan Lutz: He was ok, but he was supposed to be the face of the new recruits and he didn’t make a huge impression on me… All in due time, I guess.
And now, “The Best”:
Wesley Snipes: It was great to see him being a bad-ass again. In the opening scene of the film he is a complete maddog. Loved seeing him kick some butt, and at the same time make some jokes about himself and his recent incarceration… Unfortunately, he was under utilized for the second half of the film.
Antonio Banderas: I thought he brought a consistant balance of humor to the film. He’s never been in my top 10 of favorite actors, but he’s a solid thespian.
Mel Gibson: “Say what you want about Mr. Gibson, but the son of a bitch knows story structure.”
But seriously, we all know of Mel’s foibles over the years but when it comes to his acting I can’t take my eyes off this guy. He play’s the villian in the film and he is the HANDS DOWN best part of the movie. He plays “mean” to a tee. And he can deliver a line. I look back at this man’s career and he has been involved in some of my favorite movies. “Lethal Weapon,” “Braveheart,” “Apocalypto,” “The Road Warrior,” “The Passion of the Christ,” and “What Women Want” are films I could watch all day long.
But that’s enough about Mel. I don’t need to be tootin’ this man’s horn any longer.
Let’s wrap this baby up.
“The Expendables 3” is a fun film for all you action fans out there, but if you want some great acting and a plot line that doesn’t seem like it was written by me, then I’d save your money for…… “THE EXPENDABLES 4!”
(I can’t wait!)
Matty W. Kelley, reporting.
Fun Fact: Along with being given the part of lead villian in the film, Mel Gibson was offered the chance to direct this film also. Gibson declined.
Fun Matty Fact: Earlier in the article I wrote that I was “The Greatest P.A. In L.A.” and I am. There’s no denying that. But to all you folks out there that do not know what a P.A. is, well it stands for Production Assistant…. and I’m the best ever at it. Just ask me.