THE MATTY’S (Opening Monologue)
(Cue the background music.)
(Cue the announcer.)
(In 3…2…1… )
“Ladies, gentlemen, members of the foriegn press, members of the domestic press, employees of the printing press, fellow movie-maniacs, and even you, anonomous henchman #4…..”
“Welcome to the 2015 “Matty Academy Awards!”
“Here is your host for the evening, Matty W. Kelley!”
(Matty enters)
Matty:
“Thank you, thank you so much. Please sit down…. No no, you’re much too kind. Thank you. Oh, please, please, this is too much… Please, thank you…. HEY, SIT THE F*%# DOWN SO WE CAN GET THIS SHOW MOVING!
Thank you.
Look at this audience! Everyone looks so beautiful tonight. Right there, I see Clive Owen, looking dashing in his Giorgio Armini tuxedo. How are you doing Clive?”
Clive Owen:
“I’m doing great Matty, thank you. And may I say you are looking like a bon vivant yourself.”
Matty:
“Why thank you Clive. I clean up nicely… So, are you nervous for tonight?”
Clive:
“Yeah, a little bit.”
Matty:
“Why? You’re not up for a Matty Award… You’re just here to party-hardy!”
(Audience laughs)
Clive:
“I know. I’m just always nervous when you are hosting. Everyone in here is nervous!”
Matty:
“Okay Clive, don’t you worry, I’ll behave.” (Matty winks.)
(Matty strolls to other side of stage)
Matty:
“Ahh, good evening Helen Mirren. You look simply stunning in that….. Who are you wearing? Is that Vera Wang?”
Helen:
“Why yes it is Matty. Wow, You sure know your fashion.”
Matty:
“I wouldn’t say I know my fashion all too well… but let me tell you, I do know my “wang.” (Audience laughs hysterically.)
“Helen, I just have to tell you that you have been one of my favorite sex symbols over the years. You are right up there with Farrah Faucet and Daisy Duke from “The Dukes of Hazzard.” I hope you are not offended by this.”
Helen:
“Matty, I was 25 years old when you were born. How did you even know me?”
Matty:
“Well Helen, I knew your beauty when I first laid eyes on you in the film “The Debt.”
Helen:
“Matty, that movie came out in 2010! I was 65 years old for crying out loud!”
Matty:
“Helen, I know beauty when I see it… and you got it baby!”
Helen:
“Oh Matty, you little horny devil you. I’m much too old for you.”
Matty:
“NO YOU ARE NOT! I don’t know why you’re trying to sabotage this relationship that I am forging for the pair of us, but stop it! THIS IS HAPPENING!” (Long pause, awkward stares at each other.) “Now get up here and make-out with me!”
(Helen Mirren blushes and blows Matty a kiss.)
Matty:
“Well if Helen Mirren ain’t gonna make-out with me, then someone’s gotta! Hey Knoxville, you game?”
(Johnny Knoxville comes running up on stage and plants one right on Matty’s lips.)
“Wow Johnny, that was delicious!”
Knoxville:
“Matty, any chance I get to kiss the SECOND BEST movie reviewer in the world, I’m taking it!”
Matty:
“Knoxville, I ALWAYS knew I could count on you… and that’s why I gave “The Ringer” 5 out of 5 Giant Noses! I loved that film!
Knoxville:
“Thanks buddy. And let me tell you, you are a GREAT kisser! Let’s just hope that you can dance!
(Cue the dancers, which happen to be the guys from “Jackass.”)
Matty:
“Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce: Johnny Knoxville! Steve-O! Bam Margera! Chris Pontius! Jason “Wee-Man” Acuna! Preston Lacy! Ehren McGhehey! And Dave England!”
(All of the Jackass members (including Matty) dance to the song from the film “Blazing Saddles”… It’s the song that goes, “throw out you hands, stick out your tush, hands on your hips, give them a push, you’ll be surprised, you’re doing the French mistake!”)
(Song comes to an end and all of the boys start punching each other in the genitals. They really start beating each other up bad. A herd of cattle runs through the stage. All of us are getting trampled. Explosions everywhere.)
(Cue Matty… jumping around frantically.)
Matty:
“I’m Matty W. Kelley and this is “Jackass!” No wait, I’m Matty W. Kelley and this is “THE MATTY AWARDS!” It’s the only awards show really worth watching!”
“We’ll be right back with our first award of the evening: BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS in a motion picture film!
But first, enjoy this commercial!”
(Cue commercial for “Feline BM Tone-Up Gold”)
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Do yourself a favor and pick up a bottle of “Feline BM Tone-Up Gold.”
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(Matty’s article for “Best Supporting Actress” will be out soon.)
Solid Gold!
Thanks Julie! It is quite an honor to receive a “Golden Nose” statuette. Only the best of the best can win a MATTY!