[xrr rating=3/5]
Actually, this movie will sink on its own.
Well, here we are. The unofficial summer movie season is upon us. Usually it would start up on Memorial Day weekend, but movie studios want to be the first ones out of the gate, so they jump the gun and release their big blockbusters early.
Look at “The Avengers.” Disney/Marvel released that film on May 4, three weeks before Memorial Day. That didn’t really matter though, because that film is so good, they could’ve released it during the blizzard of ’78 and people would’ve shovelled their way to the theatre just to see it.
Maybe the movie studio that made “Battleship” wanted to get a head start on the other competition and throw its film into theatres a week early. If you’re going to do that though, make sure you have a film that people are itching to see.
When I first saw the previews to “Battleship” some eight months ago, I was so fired up to see it. But after seeing the SAME preview over and over again, before almost every movie I saw over the past half a year, I began to think that this film may not ‘do it’ for me. It seemed that they had put the entire movie into the previews.
I don’t think I was wrong. I wanted to love this film, because I love science-fiction, but I thought the story was corny as all hell, and honestly, I thought the acting was terrible.
Now before I go any further, go see the movie for yourself, because the one friend that I have, actually liked this movie. So, maybe, just maybe, I could be wrong here. But I’m usually not wrong. I’m usually right… as a matter of fact, I’m somewhat surprised that no movie companies have contacted me to help them figure out what movies to make and which ones to break. Nevertheless.
“Battleship” was a board game that Hasbro created eons ago. And just like “Transformers” (which Hasbro also created) some movie company bought the rights to it and said, “Let’s make a movie out of this!” One problem, it’s all about the writing. “Transformers” had a great script, (and actors) but “Battleship” didn’t.
“Battleship” the movie, is about a fleet of international naval warships out in the Pacific Ocean practicing war games. Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is the renegade leader of the American fleet when an alien army lands in the ocean, and for some reason or another, attacks EVERYTHING! Do you want to know why they landed on Earth? Because they had to use our phone to call home. I’m not kidding you, that’s why they were here, because we had a strong signal. “Can you hear me now?”
My first question to the aliens would’ve been, “Hey, you want to borrow my phone? It’s got NO roaming charges… and it’s a Nextel, so if your planet has Direct Connect, you can just ‘bleep-bleep’ them, free of charge!” But I don’t think the aliens were up for petty conversation. They just wanted to rip the planet to shreds and take our phone. E.T. was nothing like these aliens. These aliens were angry! E.T. just wanted to eat Reese’s Pieces and “phone home.”
Anyway, I didn’t like the story. It just didn’t seem to make sense to me. Toward the end of the film it got real cheesy. There were a bunch of veterans from past wars that the U.S. has been involved in (Korea and Vietnam) that were on an old battleship that was now a museum. They were called in to save the planet because they were the only ones who knew how to run the old ship. I liked the premise of the veterans helping out, but if the young whipper-snappers couldn’t defeat these sophistificated and fast-moving aliens, then how could these 80-year-old men defeat them? Some of them were moving so slow that when the cameraman used the slow-motion cam for effect, it was almost as if they were frozen in time. Now please, don’t get me wrong here, I love my veterans, I just didn’t like the movie too much.
There were some good things though. The special-effects were great. But of course they were going to be great. The F/X team that made “Transformers” worked on this film too… and that’s probably why it looked like “Transformers.”
I consider myself an optimist and I want everything to be good, but the acting was poor. Brooklyn Decker was there as eye candy, and that’s it. Liam Neeson, you were the reason I was so fired up for this film. Two things: You were not in it enough, and when you were you were a corndog. You seemed very corny to me. But hey, maybe that’s how they asked you to play the role. I don’t fault you.
Rihanna, you played a tough-girl petty naval officer. This was your first major acting role… maybe you should stick to singing about your umbrella-ella-ella.
And Taylor Kitsch… dude, come on! I’m rooting for you brother, but you’ve got to give me something to root for! You’ve got $520 million worth of movies out there, and they’ve made about $100 million domestically, COMBINED! (“John Carter” is the other flop… I mean, film). You’ve got two strikes on you big guy, please, make contact on your third movie this year.
So there you have it. I hope I didn’t sink your “Battleship.” Go see it, I’ve been wrong before. I just can’t remember when.
Fun Fact: Taylor Kitsch’s third movie this year is called “Savages.” It’s about growing pot, kidnapping, and the Mexican drug cartel. I have a feeling this movie will do pretty well since it is directed by Oliver Stone. He gave us “Platoon,” “Natural Born Killers” and “JFK.”
Fun Matty Fact: When I was young, I played Battleship with my brothers all the time. I once got one of the pegs you use to mark a “hit” on a ship, stuck up my nose. My mother had to use tweezers to get it out (I can’t make this stuff up).