Just another day. Just another movie review.
This morning I woke up bright and early to catch the first showing of “Horrible Bosses 2.” As I stood in line, waiting to purchase my ticket, I couldn’t help but think to myself, why were there so many people lined up to see “Horrible Bosses 2”?
Did I forget how unbelievably awesome “Horrible Bosses 1” was? Was it THAT good that everybody needed to see the first showing of this sequel?
So I went to my trusty “Matty’s Movies” movie reviewing journal and looked up my rating for “HB1”, (That’s short for “Horrible Bosses 1”). To my surprise, on July 9th 2011, I gave “HB1” a pretty darn good score of 3.75 out of 5 Giant Noses. Not too bad for a film that I really don’t remember much about.
Anyways, I didn’t think it deserved a packed house at 9:45 in the morning. But who am I to judge. We love what we love.
So I went into the theatre, sat in my usual “last seat, last row” lucky chair, ate my 10 a.m. hot dog, and began scarfing down a box of Goobers.
The lights dimmed. The greenscreen flashed across the screen and read: “The following preview has been APPROVED to ACCOMPANY THIS FEATURE by the Motion Picture Association of America, Inc.”
Next came a dark and raspy voice that frighteningly bellowed, “There has been an awakening… Have you felt it?”
Then, all of a sudden, a helmet-less stormtrooper jumps up from the sands of what appears to be Tatooine.
I knew right then why “HB2” was sold out at 10 a.m. on a Friday morning. I was smack-dab in the middle of the most anticipated film of this century. I was watching the first trailer to “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.”
And it was in-freakin-credible!
This is how it went down. First scene is the stormtrooper, looking all disheveled, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Then the screen goes black.
The next clip is a tiny astro-mech droid, rolling through the desert. (possibly near Mos Eisley’s spaceport or perhaps an abandoned pod race track.)
Jump to the next scene and it looks like an army of stormtroopers are ready to parachute out of a cargo freighter and attack… Attack who? That is the question.
Moving right along.
Back on (what I think is) Tatooine is a new type of speeder-bike. It looks bulky, and is pretty thick in the front end, but man, does it look sick. And it cruises pretty well too. How do I know this? Because the prettiest girl in the galaxy jumps on it and takes it for a blast over the hot desert sands.
And just as quickly as she takes off on that bike, the scene is over.
Boom! Next up is three old-school X-wing fighters screaming over water. H2o is spraying up from beneath them. You get a good look at one of the fighter pilots, but it was no one I recognized. Either way, those pilots were either hunting or being hunted. It looked like they were ready for a dogfight.
Right now my heart is ticking like a timebomb with ten seconds left on it. I am in heaven while watching this trailer.
Just when you think it’s time to slow down, it doesn’t. One of the most chilling scenes of the trailer is upon us.
The screen shows a menacing figure dressed in a dark robe with the hood pulled up, hauntingly marching through a snowy, wooded area. (Endor, maybe? Hoth?) Whoever this figure is, I can guarantee you he is bad-ass.
You know why he is bad-ass? Because he stops on a dime, reaches to his belt, and within .002 seconds has his lightsaber drawn and is ready to kill! I’m thinking that it’s a Sith Lord.
This trailer is ‘off the hook’ insane!
And just when you think you’ve seen it all, here comes the ship that made the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs!
That’s right, the Millenium Falcon storms across the screen, doing a full, twisting, inverted loop over the desert sands, then goes into attack mode as two TIE-fighters go bolting past it in the opposite direction.
Then finally the screen reads STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS… December 2015.
(All the while composer John Williams’ heart-thumping score plays in the background.)
Yes, this is the best movie I’ve seen this year… and it was only a trailer!
Here are a couple notes from my review of the preview.
I love that J.J. Abrams has control of this film. I have full faith in him and his dedication to this saga. He seems to put everything he has into his films and I certainly think he has control of this bantha.
Who is the girl on the speeder-bike? Oh my God, she is so attractive. All you really see is her face and I’m already in love with her. She could be Jabba’s daughter for all I care. I find her to be “hutt” as hell.
The lightsaber that the dark figure pulls out in the woods is crazy. It has two tiny sabers coming out of the handle. It looks mighty cool, but someone may hurt themselves if they have an itch or something.
I love that Abrams has the old ships back in circulation. The ships from the prequels were cool enough I guess, but nothing beats a good old fashioned X-wing, TIE -fighter, and of course the Millenium Falcon.
“Star Wars” is the reason I moved to Hollywood. It’s the movie that made me fall in love with movies. Today made me fall in love with “Star Wars” all over again. I felt like I was 7 years old when I was watching this trailer.
J.J. Abrams will bring balance to the saga. I can feel it.
I give “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” trailer a perfect score: 5 out of 5 Giant Noses. (The Golden Nostrils!)
Matty W. Kelley, reporting.
Oh shoot! I almost forgot! I saw “Horrible Bosses 2” today! It was ok. To be honest, I don’t really remember it. I think I may have gotten hibernation sickness from it. ( I give it 2.5 out of 5 Giant Noses.)
Fun Fact: In the original film, “Star Wars: A New Hope,” Darth Vader has only 12 minutes of screen time. (He surely made the most of them.)
Fun Matty Fact: Sometimes when I walk into saloons I’ll open the door and say “You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villiany.”
I like to see if people know what I’m talking about