Magic Mike XXL

First off, what’s with the “XXL”? Is that sexual innuendo for the size of Magic Mike and his clothes-tossing cohorts’ male genitalia? God, I hope not, because from the looks of it, these men may be jacked up on so much steroids that their privates should have shriveled up and journeyed inside of them. 

Yes, today I am going to review the film “Magic Mike XXL”.

Hmm, how do I begin this review?

Oh, I got it!

This may be the worst film I’ve seen since I saw the original “Magic Mike” on June 29th, 2012. (and quite possibly the worst film ever).

Now, before you get the wrong idea about me: No, I am not homophobic. As a matter of fact, I found 4 of the 5 pole dancers to be extremely attractive… gorgeous even. I feel comfortable enough with my sexuality that I can see physical attractiveness in the male physique.

No, I am not against “stripper movies”. I’ve seen “Showgirls” like, a hundred times. I LOVED that terrible film! I even thought “Striptease” was good. (No I didn’t, but I watched it).

And no, I don’t have a vendetta against Channing Tatum. That sexy beast deserves everything he’s got. That glistening heart-throb has earned it.

My problem with this film is: What woman in her right mind would want this type of stuff to happen to them?

To me, it seemed that all the women in this film were dumbing themselves down to the level where men are ALL THE TIME! Men are idiots. I know this. You know this, and ALL women know this. That’s why men can get away with it… because we’re idiots.

But women, they’re smart. They’re sexy and they’re smart. They see a dummy and they (usually) hit the high road.

Of course I know women love to let off some steam every once in a while, but this was WAY over the top.

The end of the film takes place at a male stripper convention in Myrtle Beach. Let me tell you, if I had a daughter, I would NEVER let her go to this convention. I’d never let her leave the house! But all the horny chicks at this party were taking it all in and absolutely loving it!

Personally, I found the last 30 minutes of this film to be a sexual assault.

There’s one scene where an over the hill, beaten down, bag of bolts stripper ties his “love slave” up in a sex chair and proceeds to hump up on her like dog to a leg! Sure, this was gross, but it was not the worst part. The scene then switches to another stage… but in the background you can still see this girl tied up in the chair, (legs akimbo) for the rest of the half hour long show! Come on, let her out of the chair! Show her a little dignity, will ya! (She’s just out in the background, swinging around in the dark!)

Then there’s a scene at the convention where another one of “The Grind Gang” has three ladies on a bench. He gets in front of them and whip-creams them like he’s a 16 year old working at Baskin Robbins! (or Baskin Throbbins). I mean, come on! Show a little class! Do you think those ladies wanted to leave that show and go do laundry because you faked a food orgasm on them? I don’t think so!

And finally, Magic Mike’s big farewell fondle-fest. Do you think he brings it?

Well, if you think tossing a girl around like a rag doll, then picking her up upside-down so her face is smashed into his junk while his mug is buried in her privates, and then throwing her to the ground and sliding his cod-piece up into her nostrils, then rubbing back down on her so his scrote is sitting on her cheek while all the while another stripper is doing the exact same thing to another girl across from them, just so they could look like they were doing it in a mirror, “bringing it?”

Well then, sure. He brought it.

This movie was ridiculous… Absolutely friggin’ ridiculous. If this is the shady underbelly of the male stripper circuit, then I’m glad I’m out. I was in the “Man sans clothes” business for a long time back in the day and NEVER had I ever traveled this road. What ever happened to the “Put on a fire-fighter uniform, sexually dance around a pole, gyrate your jewels, fling your clothes off, and have hundreds of classy, sexy, strong, powerful women stuff dollar bills in your g-string” days?

Yeah, I miss those days.

Maybe it’s time for “The Irish Assassin” to come out of retirement and start shooting up the circuit again.

I know the chicks would love it.

Matty W. Kelley, reporting.
mattywkelley.com

Note: I have so much more I could say about this film… maybe it’s time for me to get back in front of the camera and verbally speak my mind. I think you’d understand a little bit better of where I’m coming from. Stay tuned to mattywkelley.com for new, filmed reviews.