Take one more walk with me and Oscar through the glorious world of cinema.
Welcome back to part three of of my three-part series on Oscar!
Not familiar with Oscar? Well, I’m NOT talking about 1995’s “fighter of the year” Oscar De La Hoya. I’m NOT talking about Sesame Street’s trash can slumdog, Oscar “The Grouch.” And I’m NOT talking about the famous fashion designer Oscar De La Renta (although, he may be who I’m wearing tonight).
I am, of course, talking about the Academy Awards very own Oscar, the little golden statuette.
It’s here folks, so put on your Sunday best and let’s watch people talk about my favorite subject, movies.
But before we watch them, let me have a final stab at picking some winners. I mean, I gave Hollywood about two-thousand dollars last year. The least they can do is let me have my little piece of pie.
I’ve got two categories left, and they just so happen to be the motherload of categories: “Best Picture” and “Best Foreign Language Film.”
Let’s start off with my favorite: “Best Foreign Language Film”.
And the nominees are:
“Bullhead” (Belguim). This film is an adaptation of an old fairytale about a boy who wants to have the head of a bull…. I’m sorry, I’m slinging ‘bull’ right now. I didn’t see this movie because I don’t speak Belgian.
“Footnote” (Israel). This is the Israeli prequel to the American blockbuster movie “Footloose”…. (footnote: I’m lying).
“In Darkness” (Poland). Documentary of the glam band “The Darkness” and their rise to fame with their one-hit wonder, “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”… (note: I believe I’m not telling you the truth).
“Monsieur Lazhar” (Canada). A Canadian mountie falls in love with his horse and is ostricized for it…. You know what? I may be wrong with the plot on this one… because I’ve never even heard of this movie, let alone see it!
“A Separation” (Iran). The love story of all love stories…. Spoiler Alert: In the end, they get separated… or they don’t, I don’t know, they wouldn’t let me into Iran to see this movie.
And the award deserves go to: I don’t know! I didn’t see any of these movies! I don’t speak those languages… I’m having a hard enough time with English!
And the award will go to: Let’s give the “Matty” to the Belgian movie. I love their waffles.
The next category is: “Best Picture.” And the nominees are:
“The Artist”… I think you all know how I feel about this movie. Wonderful film. The most original of all the nominees.
“The Descendants”… Clooney scores again with another great film, but he gets so much press that maybe we should take a look at his supporting cast. Especially Shailene Woodley.
“Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close”… This film brings back bad memories of a tragic time in America’s history, but it doesn’t mean we should forget about it. It’s a telling story of how a boy copes with the loss of his father after the 9/11 attacks.
“The Help”… These films are nominated for a reason, great writing. Based on the novel by Kathryn Stockett, the book is turned into a beautiful film that takes place during an ugly, ugly time.
“Hugo”… The most vividly attractive of all the nominees, “Hugo” scores with its young stars, Asa Butterfield and Chloe Grace Moretz, not to mention a love struck Sasha Baron Cohen.
“Midnight in Paris”… Starring Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams, and directed by Woody Allen. This film, unfortunately, will not win the “Matty” because, of the nine nominated films, this so happens to be the only one I did not see. I’m sorry Woody, I’ll see you at Redbox.
“Moneyball”… Brad Pitt and baseball. Chicks’ll love it and guys’ll love it… but will the Academy love it? We’ll see.
“The Tree of Life”… A Terrence Malick Film, and the most confusing of all the nominees. I wasn’t sure if I loved this movie or hated it. After four solid days of thinking about the film, I realized that if it had me thinking about it that much, then it HAD to be good.
“War Horse”… Steven Spielberg saddles up on a winner in this movie that follows the life of a battle pony. Beautifully made AND no horses were harmed during the making of this film. Great job Mr. Spielberg.
And the winner deserves to go to: “The Artist.” I’m spent. I can’t say anymore about this magnificant film… alright, one more thing. Anyone who can write such an original story, acquire such talented actors, and make a SILENT film that even I, Matty W. Kelley, the harshest critic this side of the Charles River, could fall in love with, DESERVES to win the Academy Award for “Best Picture!” Bravo to all connected with this film, especially the writer/director Michel Hazanavicius.
And the award WILL go to: “The Artist.”
So there you have it. Matty W. Kelley’s picks for the Oscars. I hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them (and watching them).
Now just remember, if your movie doesn’t happen to win the award tomorrow night, please, for the love of God, don’t get all bent out of shape and throw your clicker through the TV screen. Don’t put your fist through the wall. And whatever you do, DON’T try to drink the pain away. Just remember, it doesn’t matter who wins. What matters is that YOU, and you alone, enjoyed YOUR favorite movie.
Hell, if I had it my way, Michael Bay would be picking up the “Best Picture” Oscar for “Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon” tomorrow night.
Enjoy the Oscars everyone, and be careful at the after-parties.
Fun Fact: “Oscar” got his name from AMPAS librarian Margaret Herrick. Upon seeing the statuette, Herrick said, “That looks just like my Uncle Oscar!” The name stuck and is still used to this day.
Fun Matty Fact: I don’t really care how Oscar got his name. What I do care about is a movie I saw today that I think the majority of you will absolutely love, especially men. It’s called “Act of Valor.” It is so good. I can’t wait to review it, just let me get through the Oscars then I’ll get right on it.