Roller coasters and movies, just like chocolate and peanut butter, are two great things that go great together.
This review, (or whatever it is) was written the weekend of April 27… and finally touched up today. Sorry to my loyal and dedicated readers for any inconvenience. I love you all.
This past week has been a weak week for strong movies. But it has been a seemingly strong week for weak movies. With films like “The Raven” coming out, there really was no urge for me to rush out the theatre. Honestly, did you have a hankering to run out and see “The Five Year Engagement”? Nah, me neither.
But once again, being the professional that I am, I did go see a movie. And I’ll review that movie for you in a little bit. But not right yet, because I am on a plane heading to Las Vegas for a bachelor party, and I don’t want to depress both you, and myself with a long and boring review of “Lockout.”
Instead, I am going to pleasure you with a wonderful and magical review of my favorite movie-themed amusement park rides which I enjoyed while on an all expense paid trip to sunny California.
My trip out to the Governator’s home state consisted of me hitting two, yeah that’s right, TWO movie studio theme parks.
The first one I went to was Universal Studios. This is the studio that brought us “Jaws,” “Beetlejuice,” “Animal House,” and “Back to the Future.” They also thrilled me with some amazing rides. I’ll get to them in a bit.
The other park I went to was Disneyland. You know the movies Disney gave us, right? Yup, “Toy Story,” “Pirates of the Caribbean,” “TRON,” and “The Lion King” are just a few off the top of my head (and there are plenty more). Mr. Disney gave me some entertaining rides too.
The first ride at Universal I rode was “The Simpsons” ride. Loved it. You start by walking into Crusty the Clown’s mouth and stand in line while watching clips from the TV show. Crusty mocks real amusement parks by saying what a rip-off they are and then shows clips from the fictional “Itchy and Scratchyland” and how terrible their rides are. Eventually you make it to the ride and you’re off speeding through Springfield. Now, the ride is virtual reality. You strap yourself in and the the picture screen does most of the work. It is quite a ride. You really feel like you’re screaming through the Simpsons hometown at a hundred miles an hour. But in reality, if you really wanted to, you could just unstrap your seatbelt and walk off the ride. What I’m saying is, I’m more of a thrill seeker. I like rides you can die on (but I still loved it).
Next, I rode “The Terminator.” Also loved it. This ride was part live action with real actors and part virtual reality. It took you on a ride that seemed to coincide with the film “T2: Judgement Day.” Very interesting and very loud. The acting was great for carnival actors. I just bet it would’ve been a little bit more fun if I had grabbed some glasses before I went in, BECAUSE IT WAS IN 3D! And of course, I had no clue! Ahh, the life of a meatball.
Another ride I went on was “Jurassic Park.” I liked this ride because you felt like you were in the movie. It’s a water ride and it begins with those giant wooden doors swinging open and Dr. John Hammond saying “Welcome to Jurrasic Park!” You know what, maybe he didn’t say that, maybe that was just what I was hearing in my head, I’m not sure… I hear a lot of voices in my head. Anyways, the ride was cute, but a little slow for this daredevil movie reviewer. Perhaps more suitable for children.
And finally, the last ride I went on at Universal was “The Mummy.” Let me just say that the ride was a million times better than the movie (I did not like the movie). This thing screamed! It’s a real roller coaster that is in complete darkness and gives you whiplash. Yup, this was my kind of ride.
Okay kids, let’s get back in the station wagon. We’re off to Disneyland!
Of course being the biggest “Star Wars” fan in the galaxy, the first ride I sprinted to when I got there was “Star Tours.” Now I know Disney didn’t make Star Wars (20th Century Fox did). So I’m assuming that George Lucas sold or rented them the rights to make a ride about it. PROBABLY BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY! And, eh. It was like the Simpsons ride. Great movie graphics, but I think I could’ve just walked off the ride if I was really bored. Plus, I got “The Phantom Menace” ride, which is the worst of the six. Or so I hear. It’s the worst of the six movies, I can guarantee you that!
Next up for me was “Pirates of the Caribbean.” BORING! I loved the original film, but the ride was a slow water ride where at one point I wanted to walk the rest of the way… or possibly even drown myself. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Personally, I think it’s a “make-out” ride, and unfortunately, I was not “making-out.”
I then journeyed over to “Indiana Jones: The Ride.” Now this thriller was outrageous after coming from that terrible “Pirates” ride! It was a roller coaster, and it was fun, but it was still nothing like that old wooden roller coaster I rode when I was a child down at Nantasket beach. Now that was a ride!
And finally, not that it has anything to do with movies, I rode “Space Mountain.” This ride was killer! A true roller coaster, and completely in the dark! This back-cracker put my kidneys in my lungs, my heart in my underwear, and my lunch on the person in front of me. Yeah, he wasn’t too happy, but I didn’t care, because I’m Matty W. Kelley: Movie (and ride) Reviewer!
So there you have it, eight movie-related amusement park rides that you should all get out and experience at least once in your lifetime. Hey, you only live once, right?
Matty W. Kelley, reporting live from thirty-thousand feet above earth.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot! Being a professional movie reviewer, I better give you my review of the movie “Lockout.”
“Lockout” SUCKED! And it was still one-hundred times better than that debacle, “John Carter.”
One more quick note, I recently saw “The Raven,” starring John Cusack. Not too good. But how many movies about boring poets are actually any good? I’ll give you a hint: none.
Fun Fact: New York-New York in Las Vegas has one of the best roller coasters I’ve been on in the past month. And I’ve been on, like 15 different roller coasters lately.
Fun Matty Fact: With the issues one may have with alcohol and gambling in their past, maybe Las Vegas is not the best place for one to vacation… but it’s just so much darn fun!