Author: Matty W. Kelley

‘The Iron Lady’ Rules with an Iron Fist

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IronLadyI found the woman, and the movie, to be very like iron… strong, but dull.

Question: What did the man say to the three holes in the ground?

Answer: “Well, well, well.”

And that pretty much sums up my review of “The Iron Lady.”

This movie was well written. This movie was well acted. And this movie was, well, kind of boring.

Don’t get me wrong, I sat through it, so it must have been somewhat entertaining. It just didn’t have that “BOOM” that I like to see in my movies. Continue reading ‘The Iron Lady’ Rules with an Iron Fist

‘The Artist’ Creates A Masterpiece

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TheArtistSilence is bliss.

“The Artist” is the best silent film I have ever seen! There, I said it!

Now, is “The Artist” the best movie I have ever seen? Hmmm, that’s a tough one.

I have seen many, many films in my lifetime, but to see a movie with such heart, such pizzazz, and such originality? Well, they come few and far between.

I think “Star Wars” was that type of movie. Granted, I hadn’t seen that many movies when “Star Wars” came out. Heck, I was only seven. But what “Star Wars” did for science-fiction, I think “The Artist” will do for silent films. Continue reading ‘The Artist’ Creates A Masterpiece

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

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TinkerTailorWant the M.W.K. quick review? Stinker, failure, told ya, bye.

As I sit at my computer this morning, drinking my chocolate Yoo-hoo and wolfing down a Pop-tart, I can’t help but think to myself about you – the loyal, dedicated, VERY attractive, and highly educated readers that enjoy my columns. I know this because I too, am loyal, dedicated, VERY attractive, AND highly educated.

This gets me thinking that we sometimes can all get caught up in the hoop-la that surrounds a film. Continue reading Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

A Review of Local Theatres… Oh, and a Movie

LocalTheatersGet through my ramblings and eventually you’ll get to my review of the film, “The Darkest Hour.”

As 2011 drew to a close, I sat back and reminisced about the 81 films I saw in the theatre over the year (81 is about my yearly average over the past seven years or so). I can reflect on the movies that made me laugh, made me cry, made me think, made me sigh, and one movie that almost made me die… (New Years Eve).

I also thought about the four times that I got caught sneaking into the movies. That’s actually not too bad for a 41-year-old man! But just think to yourself how funny it must look seeing a 17-year-old usher walking me out because I jumped from one movie to another! Hell, I was even laughing as I got escorted out! Continue reading A Review of Local Theatres… Oh, and a Movie

It’s a ‘Horse’ of a Different Color!

WarHorseCan Steven Spielberg win the derby with the epic film, “War Horse?”

When you hear the name Steven Spielberg, you think Hollywood’s cream of the crop right away. And why wouldn’t you? With production credits for ‘out of this world’ films like “E.T.,” “Deep Impact,” and of course, a couple of my favorites, “Back to the Future” and “Transformers,” Spielberg has Hollywood in the palm of his hand. Continue reading It’s a ‘Horse’ of a Different Color!

‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’ is My Kind of Girl

GirlWiththeDragonTattooIf you love great films and have a strong stomach, then sink your teeth into this flick.

Do you like intriguing, thought-provoking, and disturbing movies? Well then, I have the movie for you.

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” is that movie.

This movie is an adaptation of the book of the same name, written by Stieg Larsson. It is the first of a trilogy of novels he has written, so get ready for two more films with these characters.

I think I may have told you this before, but I’ll say it again: The movie is ALWAYS better than the book. This is just my opinion for two reasons. One, I don’t read books (they make me dizzy). I just wait for the movie to come out. And two, people seem to get angry when I say the movie is better than the book, and that makes me laugh. Yes, I do have a warped sense of humor. Continue reading ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’ is My Kind of Girl

New Years Eve

NewYearsEveAnd the Award for Most Terrible Movie Ever Goes to…

Imagine yourself in hell… Guess what’s playing at the theatre: “New Years Eve.”

Every so often a movie hits the theatres and it has you on the edge of your seat, but not in a good way. You’re on the edge of your seat because you can’t get out of that theatre quick enough! I found this year’s winner.

“New Year’s Eve” is quite possibly THE MOST TERRIBLE MOVIE EVER MADE!!! I’m serious, this movie had me ripping the seven strands of hair I had left in my head, out! I was saying to myself, “How could anyone sign on to this script?” It baffles me folks, it completely baffles me (and wait ’til you hear who’s in it! We’ll get to that little chestnut later).

The story follows a whole bunch of people getting ready to watch the ball drop in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Continue reading New Years Eve

Have Yourself a Movie Little Christmas!

PolarExpressHere are a few films I think you may enjoy during the holiday season.

Last week my editor, the lovely and talented Miss Kelly Glista, e-mailed me and said she had a hot story. A story to put us all in the Christmas spirit. She said, “Scoop, (yeah, she calls me “Scoop” because I get all the big scoops on the hot movies) why don’t you review one of your favorite Christmas movies of all time?” And I said, “You got it boss! Consider it done!”

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on which Christmas movie is my favorite, and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are just too many. So, I’m just gonna rattle off a few that have touched me over the years. Continue reading Have Yourself a Movie Little Christmas!

Clooney Ascends in ‘THE DESCENDANTS’

TheDescendantsLife is good when you look like me… Life is great when you look like Clooney.

What do both myself and George Clooney have in common? Well, besides our dashing good looks, we both have the same taste in women. He reels in beautiful women, and I stare at them like a mental patient. He was the sexiest man alive in 1997, and I was alive in 1997. He was the sixth man to don the Batman cape, and I was the sixth man on my CYO basketball team, learning the ins and outs of hoops under the watchful eye of coach Heylin. But mostly, we both have a thing for movies. He likes making good movies, and I like watching good movies.

Mr. Clooney has been on a wonderful movie tear recently. Just in the past couple of years he has starred in great films like, “The Ides of March,” “The American,” and “Up in the Air.” He was also in “Men Who Stare at Goats,” and if I remember correctly, that movie may have been somewhat terrible.

This week he stars in a new film called “The Descendants.”

There’s been a buzz around this film since it opened, because it opened on only 500 screens nationwide, and in its first ten days it grossed 10 million dollars. So, let me do the math, it averaged… um, let me think, um, I’m gonna say, one million dollars a day? YES! I am correct! Thank you Norwood High School math department!

The story is about a man named Matt King (Clooney) who is a native of Hawaii, and pretty much owns one of the islands. He owns a load of land that he inherited. I think it was about 25,000 acres. For some reason or another he is going to sell the land and divide up the money with his cousins and everyone is gonna be wicked rich… Oh, by the way, most of his cousins suck.

Another plot in this story is that Matt King’s wife has been in a boating accident, and is undoubtedly going to die. Matt must tell all his family and friends to say goodbye to his wife, who is in a coma.

And another plot in this story is, Matt King has two daughters and he really doesn’t know how to care for them. One is 10 and the other is 17. And boy are they a handful.

But wait, another plot in this story is that before the boating accident, Matt King’s wife (who’s in the coma) was having an affair! And guess who had no freaking clue? MATT KING! But his 17-year-old daughter did, and so did a few other friends… with friends like that, who needs enemies, eh?

And another plot in this story… alright, there are no more plots. I think we’ve hit on all of them.

King decides to take a trip to the “big” island with his daughters just to get away from it all… and to find the scallywag who was fornicating with his wife. His 17-year-old daughter is also involved in this little sub-plot with him, and together they make a great team… Personally, I say there’s nothing that can bring a father and daughter closer together than a good old fashioned man-hunt for your wife’s mistress.

It may sound like I’m beating on this movie, but trust me, I’m not. I loved this film. There was just enough going on to make you laugh, cry, and get really, really pissed. If I were George Clooney, I may have ripped this guy’s (the fornicator’s) head off… but that is where me and George Clooney differ. That, and the fact that he was just acting… and, he has 25 million dollars in his pocket. I have 25 bucks… but who cares, we’re both happy!

One thing I realize that I didn’t like about this film was, I am not at all a fan of Hawaiian music. I think the last time I liked it was when Don Ho guest starred on The Brady Bunch when they went to Hawaii and all that bad stuff was happening to the Brady kids. Remember, when Greg almost drowned surfing? And when that tarantula was crawling on Peter? And when Jan got wicked-wicked ugly? Well, two of those three was bad luck, the other one was just bad genes.

Back to “The Descendants.” I loved this film. It was very good to great, and if date night should come around this weekend, catch this flick, guys and dolls shall like it all.

This handsome Patch reporter is out of here!

Matty W. Kelley

Fun Fact: George Clooney auditioned five times for the role of J.D. in “Thelma & Louise.” That role ended up going to Brad Pitt (I guess Clooney wasn’t good looking enough). Another Fun Fact: Boy am I ugly!

A Thanksgiving Ode To Hollywood

banner Autumn is upon us,

What a wonderful time.

It’s the perfect week to give thanks.

So I’ll start with who’s closest

To my chest-pounding heart,

I’ll start with my main man: Tom Hanks.

He’s filled me with laughter,

He’s filled me with tears.

He’s made me look like a chump,

As I wept in the theatre, all by myself,

When he portrayed Forrest Gump.

Another great actor,

That I must give thanks,

Brad Pitt is his name, not a schlub,

For he gave us 12 Monkeys, Ocean’s 11,

And his masterpiece, the Fight Club.

And how ’bout an actress?

How ’bout three, maybe four.

All of these girls I would date:

Beckingsale, Bosworth, Hudson and Holmes.

All of their first names are “Kate.”

Another fab gal,

I appreciate much,

Is the wildly attractive Cher.

With her flambouyant outfits,

Those come-hither eyes,

And that “straight from Supercuts” hair.

Now don’t get me wrong,

I’m not out of my mind,

Don’t think of me as a spazz,

For I’m also in love,

With her now famous offspring,

Who goes by the single-name: Chazz!

There’s a couple of bands,

That I must give big-props,

G’n’R, The Foo’s, Twisted Sister.

I must also thank,

My beautiful editor, the lovely and talented, Miss Glista.

So this Thanksgiving Day,

When you’re all at the table,

And thinking of everything good,

Take a step back,

And think of real people,

The ones out there in Hollywood.

They give us our movies,

They give us our songs,

They bring us joy everyday.

So as you gnaw at your turkey,

And nibble at your pie,

Remember to thank Michael Bay!

For he is the one,

The legend, the man,

The dude that I think could stop time.

‘Cause he is a mad dog,

My hero, the creator,

The one who made OPTIMUS PRIME!!!

Thank you so much Hollywood!!! You are my everything.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Love always, Matty W. Kelley, Norwood Patch, reporting.