Author: Matty W. Kelley

The Expendables 2

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ExpendablesTwoLeave your brain at the door, you won’t need it… but you WILL LOVE THIS FILM.

Are you a man? Are you a man’s man? Are you a woman wanting to impress your man? Are you a woman who may someday want to become a man?

If you are any of the above, then I have the movie for you.

“The Expendables 2” is a man’s movie. It’s all adrenaline, all testoserone, all intestinal fortitude… and alright, it’s all AWESOME!

Now, I know what my loyal readers out there are saying right now. You’re saying, “Wait a minute, he reviewed ‘The Bourne Legacy’ last week, and he hated it, but now he’s reviewing this steroid-stuck gorilla film, and he LOVES it? What is the matter with Matty?”

Well my friends, sometimes you just need to go to the movie theatre to have fun. Sometimes you just want to sit back and not have to think. Sometimes you just want to see a dumb movie. Continue reading The Expendables 2

The Bourne Legacy

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TheBourneLegacyThis movie could’ve just as easily been called “The Boring Legacy,” just like its predecessors.

I don’t know who out in Hollywood got a hold of all you lemmings and brainwashed you into thinking that ANY of these “Bourne” movies are any good, but take it from a professional movie reviewer – they aren’t.

Seriously, what is going on here? I’ve asked many of my friends if they liked the “Jason Bourne” trilogy, starring Boston’s own Matt Damon, and the majority have said that, yeah, they do like them. I said to myself, “What is up? What am I missing?” This is when I decided to call in some professional help.

I have connections in the movie reviewing business, so I called on them to get their professional opinions on this saga.

The reviewers that I called in work for a website called “A Seat Apart: Reel Reviews.” And let me tell you, they sure know their movies. Continue reading The Bourne Legacy

Total Recall

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TotalRecallIf you can suspend your thoughts on the original film, then I think you will enjoy this remake… I did.

“Open your mind… Open your mind… Open your mind.” -Kuato

Unfortunately, Kuato isn’t even in this updated reboot of the 1990 sci-fi blockbuster film, “Total Recall.” And this saddened me because Kuato may have been the most interesting character of ANY film in the 90’s. Yet, he was only in the movie for ten minutes. He was interesting to me because he looked like a melted Chucky doll from the movie “Childs Play,” that disgustingly grew out of the stomache of another man. He could read minds and he was the savior to all the aliens on the planet Mars. Yup, he was cool.

You may also remember that a handsome, muscular Arnold Schwarzenegger and a young, fit, pant-suit wearing, blond bombshell named Sharon Stone were the two actors that carried this film to stardom. Continue reading Total Recall

‘Brave’… Taking children to the movies can be a project… but it’s so worth it.

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BraveThis past weekend I traveled south to Virginia to spend some quality time with my family. They live in Alexandria. These are great times for me. I get to hang out with my sisters Faithie and Becky, and my brother-in-law, “Dandy” Dan Sheehan. All three of them are home grown Norwoodites, and they bleed blue and gold. It bums me out that they live so far away, but when we get together, we eat, laugh, and talk about Norwood… and about movies.

But honestly, I actually go down for the main attraction, my niece and nephews. The bro’s and sis’s are secondary. Sorry guys. Continue reading ‘Brave’… Taking children to the movies can be a project… but it’s so worth it.

‘The Dark Knight Rises’ Theatre Tragedy

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TheDarkKnightRisesThis is an opinion piece I’ve written about the Colorado theatre massacre 

“The Dark Knight Rises”… and all I can think about is the horrific tragedy that happened out in Aurora, Colorado.

I’ve been looking forward to reviewing this movie ever since the first previews for it came out over a year ago.

Tragedies happen. Sometimes they are an act of God. Sometimes they are an act of malfunction. Sometimes they are an act of terrorism. And sometimes they are an act of a selfish lunatic. But all of the time, they are unfathomable.

Continue reading ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ Theatre Tragedy

Savages

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SavagesBefore you get your hopes up, this review has nothing to do with Fred or “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

Strike one: “John Carter.”

Strike two: “Battleship.”

“And Taylor Kitsch digs his feet in at the plate, down 0-2, with only ‘Savages’ to save his big screen career… here’s the pitch… he’s alive, he’s alive! He just hit a gap shot to right-center field! He should be allowed to make at least one more major motion picture!”

Boy, that was a close one. Taylor Kitsch has had a rough year, but “Savages” is a good enough film to keep him in the game for the foreseeable future. I’ve been rooting for this guy ever since “John Carter” started getting bad publicity, even before it hit the theatres.

Then I saw “John Carter.” Continue reading Savages

‘Magic Mike’

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MagicMikeIs “Magic Mike” worthy of a pole dance?

Many women have been bombarding me with the question, “Hey Matty, when are you going to review ‘Magic Mike?'” Well ladies, your wish is my command.

I can sum it up for you in one word… gross. Okay, I’m sorry about that. I’ll be more professional about this.

Friday night I made it out to the theatre with full expectations of seeing the Mark Wahlberg vehicle, “Ted.” But with that film being sold out, and my adoring fans begging me to see “Magic Mike,” I said to myself, “What the hell, why not? Hundreds of women can’t be wrong.” Continue reading ‘Magic Mike’

‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’

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Abraham Lincoln- Vampire HunterWho says you can’t learn anything new about history at the movies?

We go to the theatre for entertainment, for relaxation, for hot date nights, and to escape reality for a couple of hours. We go to the theatre for “fun.” Am I right? Of course I’m right! I’m always right. So imagine the expression on my face when I saw “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” this weekend. I was in shock because I was learning about our country’s history! I never planned to go to the movies to learn! Learning is for nerds! From what I already knew about our 16th president, there were some major pieces of his life that the history books skipped over. Important parts of his life too.

I think we all know the most important thing Abraham Lincoln did as president. Continue reading ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’

That’s My Boy

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ThatsMyBoyI’ll get right down to it… many, many people will not like this movie.

Adam Sandler has become a polarizing figure when it comes to making films. It seems to me that you either love his films or you totally hate them. There’s no middle. Whatever happened to the, “Eh, it was alright,” movie? It seems to have gone by the wayside with Sandler films.

Let’s take “the good” for instance. He’s been the star of movies like “Anger Management,” “Mr. Deeds,” “Happy Gilmore,” and of course, “Billy Madison.” All great and fun films… well, at least they were to me.

Now, you have “the bad.” “Bulletproof,” “You Don’t Mess With The Zohan,” and “The Longest Yard” were all somewhat terrible… but so what? I watched them. And I was entertained enough. Continue reading That’s My Boy

Wahlberg Smuggles in the Goods with ‘Contraband’

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ContrabandGood script + good actors = good movie… It’s an equation that seems to work.

Its 4:44 in the morning, (make a wish!) and I can’t sleep, because I saw a movie last night that I cannot stop thinking about. This happens to me quite often where I’ll lie in bed thinking about the flick and try to figure out what I’ll write about it. I usually have millions of fantastic ideas and funny little stories that would go along with the article quite well. Then I get lazy and don’t get out of bed to type it up. Usually, my mind will drift off to somewhere else and eventually, I’ll just stare at the ceiling until I dust off into never-never-land.

But not this morning! This morning I’m getting after it! Today is the day I write a review and then take a nap! Today is the day when the Fruity Pebbles will have to wait for me and NOT vice versa! Today is the day we read my review and find out how wacked out I am at five in the morning!

Come with me on an early bird movie review… but keep up, I move rather quickly. Continue reading Wahlberg Smuggles in the Goods with ‘Contraband’