[xrr rating=4/5]
Who says you can’t learn anything new about history at the movies?
We go to the theatre for entertainment, for relaxation, for hot date nights, and to escape reality for a couple of hours. We go to the theatre for “fun.” Am I right? Of course I’m right! I’m always right. So imagine the expression on my face when I saw “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” this weekend. I was in shock because I was learning about our country’s history! I never planned to go to the movies to learn! Learning is for nerds! From what I already knew about our 16th president, there were some major pieces of his life that the history books skipped over. Important parts of his life too.
I think we all know the most important thing Abraham Lincoln did as president. He freed the slaves. This is undoubtedly the most important thing ANY of our presidents has ever done. All men are created equal, no matter what the color of their skin is. Personally, I wouldn’t live in a country if it was any other way. So thank you President Lincoln for making this country the best country in the world. And keeping me here in the U.S. of A. Because if it was any other way, I would be a Canadian right now.
Now, what I didn’t know about President Lincoln was, he was a vampire hunter by night! How in the world did this GIANT nugget of information fail to make it into any of the history books I was brought up on in the Norwood education system? I think it’s time to update our high school history books, because this is HUGE!
The story starts out with Abe (aptly portrayed by Benjamin Walker) as a young boy who witnesses his mother get murdered by a vampire. Abe wants revenge on this blood-sucker, but he promises his father he won’t do anything to rattle the cage. Abe’s father knows he can’t win, so he best keep his nose clean.
Nine years go by and Abe’s dad sadly meets his maker. The promise young Abraham made to his pops has now been lifted. Time for Lincoln to go get his revenge on the man who killed his mom. Honest Abe finds the man and shoots him in the eye. And there you have it, revenge… or is it? Abe turns around to take one last look at that murderous scalliwag, and… WHAT?!!! He’s gone! Little did Lincoln know that he was a vampire. Or even that vampires were real! Enter Henry Sturgess, (Dominic Cooper) a vampire who wants to kill vampires. (Lincoln doesn’t know he’s a vampire yet though.) Henry takes Abe under his wing and teaches him how to kill the man-bats. Abe learns (along with myself) that the only way to kill a vampire is with silver-plated bullets or weapons. Abe’s weapon of choice is a silver-dipped ax. And boy, can he swing an ax. He kills many a vampire, but he soon realizes that there are too many. He needs a new plan. Abe becomes president and, along with freeing the slaves, he uses the Union army to fight the vampires.
Oh, did I forget to tell you? The entire Confederate army were vampires! Yup, this is true. This is just something else I learned from the movie and not from a history text.
Want to know another thing I learned from the movie? The reason we won the war against the Confederate vampire army was because all the Northerners and the slaves gave all of their silver to Lincoln to be melted down and used as bullets and bayonettes for the battle at Gettysburg. We needed silver, and now we had silver.
One problem, how do we get the silver from D.C. to Gettysburg in time for the battle?
The railroad!!! But not just any old railroad, Harriet Tubman’s Underground Railroad! Yes sir, the slaves carried the ammuniton to Gettysburg while Lincoln and Henry used the real railroad as a decoy to get all the head vampires in one place at one time. I’m not kidding you, this is how it all went down.
Lincoln and Henry defeated the head vampires, and the Union army defeated the vampire army.
And the rest, you can say, is history.
Now for the most important question: Did Matty W. Kelley like this movie? Well, I’ll ask you a question: Did Abraham Lincoln wear a stovepipe hat?
You bet I liked this movie! It was very entertaining and I got to learn a LOT more about my favorite president in the history of the United States.
So there you have it. I never thought I’d learn anything at the movies. But now, I can honestly say, WITH CONVICTION, that I am now just a little bit more smarter than all of you… for I went, and saw, and learned about “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.”
Fun Fact: One of my favorite young actors, Tom Hardy, was asked to play the role of Lincoln, but had to turn it down because of scheduling conflicts with his role as “Bane” in another bat/vampire related movie called “The Dark Knight Rises.” Good call brother, I think it’s going to be a pretty good movie.
Fun Matty Fact: Abraham Lincoln was tied for the tallest president in our country’s history at 6’4″ (with Lyndon B. Johnson). In my senior year of high school, I was the tallest wrestler in my weight class at 6 feet tall. I WRESTLED AT 103 lbs!!! (6 feet and 103! Gross.) I was the tallest, scrawniest, oddest looking wrestler ever! But damn, I was good!