And ‘The Matty’ for Best Picture goes to……
We’ve made it! We have FINALLY made it to the top, the peak, the apex, the pinnacle … We are there, standing at the summit of ‘THE MATTYS’! The ridiculous movie awards show brought to you by the “Matty Academy”, and hosted by none other than the one and only, Matty W. Kelley.
It’s been a LONG journey up the face of Mount Matty. I honestly thought of quitting and just sledding back down the hill, but like the dedicated movie reviewer that I am, I dug my spikes in and kept inching my way to the tippity top. You see, writing these columns (The Mattys) gets tedious after a while. I didn’t realize that when giving out awards, USUALLY the same freeking films are up for every award! That makes it tough. I mean, how many different ways can I tell you how great a film “Flight” was and keep it interesting and organic? Or how INCORRECT everyone is on how excellent a film “Silver Linings Playbook” was? (It’s not award worthy.) Or how ‘sing-songy’ “Les Mis” was? I think you catch my drift here, but let’s do it one more time anyway for the most prestigious award of “THE MATTYS”.
And the nominees for “Best Picture” are as follows:
“Argo”: Director Ben Affleck has a winner on his hands with this film about the 1980 Iran hostage crisis. It’s cleaning up at all the awards shows, but will it take home the “Golden Big-Beak” statuette at the most important awards show of the season, THE MATTYS? Read on to find out! (Or just skip all the way to the end, I don’t care.)
“Beasts of the Southern Wild”: WOW! is all I got to say about this movie. No it isn’t, I’m a motor-mouth and you can’t shut me up. This film punched me right in the face. I had NO IDEA what I was going to see, and then, POW! Right in the kisser! Such an interesting story. I strongly suggest you see it.
“Zero Dark Thirty”: Any film that has to do with killing the biggest, smelliest, hairiest, ugliest, homeliest, repugnant, loathesome, sandal wearing animal on the planet (No, I’m not talking about me) Osama Bin Laden, HAS TO BE a great film. And ZDT was that great film. Will it win ‘THE MATTY’? Hmmm.
“Silver Linings Playbook”: Nope.
“Django Unchained”: Not since “The Shawshank Redemption” have I seen a revenge movie this thrilling. I mean, Django wants to get his wife back from the scumbags that took her. So, with the help of his white counterpart, (the exceptional Christoph Waltz) they go and do exactly that, with plenty of bloodshed along the way too. Quentin Tarantino is one of the best filmmakers of ANY generation. If you don’t agree with me then may God have mercy on your soul.
“Amour”: “Como te le vous? Je m’appelle Rudolphe. Mi amour au hockey sur glace et au football american. Les canard a l’orange s’il vous plait. Oui-oui!”… I have no idea what I just wrote. I think I said “What is your name?” My name is Rudolphe…. I love ice hockey and american football… I’ll have the orange duck please… Yes-yes!”… You see, “Amour” is a french movie, and Norwood Patch wouldn’t pay for me to fly over to Gay Paris to see it. (hell, they won’t even pay for me to see movies in my own back yard!) I been stuck here seeing stupid American movies all year, so I haven’t seen it… yet. (I think its coming to Dedham Community theatre friday, so I’ll catch it then.)
“Lincoln”: What a wonderfully slow moving film. It tells the great story of the greatest president in U.S. history, all the while doing it at a snails pace. Did I like it? Sure I did. But DANG! was it slow. Nothing wrong with slow paced films, but this was just not my cup of tea. Still, I loved that stovepipe hat… Could it possibly win the coveted ‘MATTY’? Not sure yet… But that hat sure could.
“Life of Pi”: One of the most original films I saw this year. Absolutely stunning visuals, magnificant colors, and most importantly, a truly inspirational and faith driven story. It makes you think about your beliefs in God and your outlook on life. Director Ang Lee hits a home run with this film. SO GOOD! Will it win the “Big-Beak”? Cool your jets, we’re almost there.
“Les Miserable”: This was one long song. They start singing in the beginning and they don’t stop singing until the bitter end. Jean ValJean is cool, and so is his alter ego, Prisoner 24601! La-la-la-la-la! I liked it…. And that’s all I’m going to say about this tune.
Now for my “Snub Votes”. These are two films that should be in the running for an ‘Oscar’ but didn’t get nominated… But they are up for a ‘MATTY’, because I’m smarter than ‘OSCAR’.
“The Perks of being a Wallflower”: What a moving film. It has a sad backstory, but it also has a great ‘coming of age’ frontstory too. Just a great film. Too bad it wasn’t mainstream enough to catapult it into some of the major awards categories.
“Flight”: Do I have to say anymore about this film? Anyone who reads my columns knows how this film hit me. It’s a film that will stand the test of time because “drunk schools” and alcohol and drug rehabilitation centers around the country will be playing this movie over and over again to their clients… And I should know because I’m not only the drunk club president, I’m also a client!
And ‘THE MATTY’ for Best Picture goes to: (Drumroll please)
Holy smokes! From out of nowhere! “Life of Pi” wins ‘THE MATTY’!!! This was one of the toughest decisions of my life. I have it right up there with “Should I pull the plug on my dying grandmother, or should I let her suffer?” Well, its time I let you all know, and get this heavy weight off my chest.. I pulled the plug… Whoa! I feel a lot better now! That felt good.
Runner-up for the MATTY: “Django Unchained”
Who WILL win the OSCAR: Coin Toss. “Lincoln” or “Argo”.
Who SHOULD win the OSCAR: “Life of Pi”. (or “Django Unchained”. Either would make me happy.)
So there you have it. Another long trek up Mount Matty, but we finally made it. I’m going to hibernate for a month, then get back to doing what I truly love doing, REVIEWING ACTUAL MOVIES! No more of these goofy movie awards shows. (Until next year.)
Thank you all for reading. (All ten of you.) I love you all. And in the immortal words of Casey Casem: “Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.”
Matty W. Kelley