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And the ‘MATTY’ for Best Actress goes to….
And we’re back, here at the luxurious Norwood Patch ballroom and concert hall. (Also known as my computer room.) And I see some beautiful faces out there… Wait a minute, no I don’t. All I see is my stunning mug and glistening, svelte body staring back at me from my full length mirror. You see, this is what a giant narcissist does to get himself through the day. I put mirrors up all over my house so I can always see myself. Sometimes I’m nude, sometimes I’m not. But all the time, I’m gorgeous.
We’re just about halfway through “THE MATTYS” movie awards gala. And I’m pretty thrilled about this because I’m getting sick and tired of writing articles about who the hell are the most awesome people in Hollywood. Seriously, what did I get myself into here? I’ve seen eleven movies in the month of January, and whenever I get home from the theatre I have to write a review on who was awesome LAST YEAR! I’m just about ready to get back to work, writing about how totally horrendous “Texas Chainsaw 3D” was. Or how inspiring a film “The Impossible” was. Or how sweet a zombie movie called “Warm Bodies” could be… Or how terrible “Texas Chainsaw 3D” was.
But this is all my fault. I’m the one who set up the “Matty Academy.” I hired all these people to gather information on all the nominees. I had them working tirelessly, day and night, to get me to the movies so I could have an educated opinion on all the award recepients… And, I’m the idiot who made up this stupid online awards show! So this is most definitely my fault. But like my mother always said to me, “Matty, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” (Which contradicts what my dad always said to me, “Son, when the going gets tough… quit.”) Well, this time I’ll be taking my mother’s advice.
And the nominees for Best Actress are:
Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty). This ginger is having herself a banner year (or two). Fresh off last year’s “The Help,” Chastain rolled into 2012 with a bit role in “Lawless” and a voice role in the childrens film “Madagascar 3.” Right now she is flying high with the horror film “Mama.” But it is her role as Maya in the ‘hunt for Bin Laden’ thriller “Zero Dark Thirty” that is garnering her accolades from the “Matty Academy,” along with a puny awards show called the Oscars. You know what? Put “Oscar vs. Matty” on a fight night undercard and I’ll tell you who wins… MWK ALL DAY!
Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook). I’m happy Jennifer is up for this award. I just would’ve thought she would’ve gotten nominated for “The Hunger Games.” Truthfully, her acting was pretty good in “Playbook” but, you know what? I’ve got a few friends who could’ve played her role. And NO DOUBT I could’ve played Bradley Cooper’s role. It’s not that I didn’t like them, it’s just that so many people are praising this movie when all it was was a romantic dramedy with an idiotic gambling plot line. Alright, maybe I’m bias on this one, but I just think the world is full of pelicans if you all think that this film should be up for Best Picture. Good luck grabbing yourself a “MATTY,” Lawrence!
Emmanuelle Riva (Amour). This 86-year-old dish has a better chance of meeting God than meeting a “MATTY.” I mean, come on, nobody has seen “Amour”! (It isn’t even in English!) I imagine she was great in it, but I’m just hoping she lives long enough to meet Oscar, because she won’t be meeting “MATTY.”
Quvenzhane Wallis (Beasts of the Southern Wild). “Whatchu talkin’ bout Wallis?!” This little girl (not even 10 years old yet) played one of the most interesting roles in one of the most interesting films of last year. She played a six year old, named Hushpuppy, living in the Bayou, in a place called the Bathtub. She had to deal with her ailing, lunatic father, an ever-changing environment, and some serious bed-head. I walked into this film thinking it was a documentary, and walked out completely blown away. This little youngster can act. (And also scream. She has an incredibly loud scream.)
Naomi Watts (The Impossible). In this film, Watts plays a mother separated from from two of her three children and her husband when the 2004 tsunami hit Thailand. The story is about struggle, survival, faith, and the power of love (not the Huey Lewis song). It’s a true story and a wonderful film where Watts puts her heart and soul into her character. You feel her pain but you also feel her power to survive for the sake of her family. There is a gross scene where they show her leg totally mangled. All of her calf was completely hanging off. It was “grody to the max.” Luckily, they also showed one of her breasts, and although it wasn’t done in the prettiest of light, it did take away the distraction of her disgusting leg.
Now it’s time for me to throw in my “Snub Vote.” This is where I can pick an actor (or in this case, actress) that may have been overlooked by the Academy. Unfortunately, there aren’t as many lead roles for women as there are for men, which kind of sucks because I feel that women are the stronger actors, the stronger parents, the stronger doctors, the stronger teachers… And I’ll just come right out and say it, they are the stronger gender. Come on guys, seriously, there is absolutely NO WAY you could handle pushing out a baby. Hell, I bawl my eyes out when I hold in my pee too long!
Anyways, my “Snub Vote” for Best Actress goes to Keira Knightley (Seeking a Friend for the End of the World). I’m not sure if many of you saw this film, but it is an underrated movie. Its about an asteroid heading towards earth and the planet has three weeks left. Some people loot, some people go crazy, and some people find solace in the company of a friend. This is what happens in this film. And Keira Knightley is that friend, to Steve Carell. The ending is sad but beautiful. This is the way I would want to go, in the arms of Keira Knightley… But I know myself all too well. I would be hitting on her until the bitter end. That asteroid would have to get lodged in my nostril before I quit laying on the “Matty” charm to Miss Keira Knightley.
There are your “Best Actress” nominees…. And The “MATTY” goes to:
Jessica Chastain. This was a very tough call. All had a chance to win the “MATTY.” (Except for that old bat, Emmanuelle Riva.) I decided on Chastain, more because of the film than entirely of her acting. Watts and Wallis, along with Chastain all had such strong female roles that it was tough to pick just one. But throw in the fact that that prick Osama Bin Laden gets killed in her film, well, that just put her over the top for me.
Runner up for the “MATTY”: Naomi Watts.
Who SHOULD win the OSCAR: Jessica Chastain.
Who WILL win the OSCAR: Coin toss. Chastain or Jennifer Lawrence. (Why Lawrence? I have NO idea. But much like her character in the film, I think the Oscar Academy may be mentally ill.)
So there you have it, the “MATTY” for Best Actress. Three “MATTYS” down, two to go. Up next: Best Actor followed by Best Picture. (Let’s get this ridiculous awards show over with already!)
Did I forget to mention that “Texas Chainsaw 3D” may be this year’s “John Carter”… Yeah, it’s that bad.
Matty W. Kelley
FUN MATTY FACT: “Texas Chainsaw 3D” sucked like a Hoover.