It’s that time of year again. The time when all of your favorite celebrities get dolled up in their custom designed Tom Ford tuxedos and their Vera Wang down-to-the-ground gowns (haha, I said “Wang”) and head off to the hoitiest of the tiotiest award show galas.
Yup, it’s the time for celebrities to congratulate other celebrities on a job well done at the box office throughout the year… and deservedly so. It’s a HUGE business the entertainment industry is. Just last year the domestic box office total alone was a whopping $10,546,489,975. That’s a lot of scratch, Melvin. (and that’s not even including the international market.)
I love awards season. It’s the time of year where I can be recognized along with the movie stars. Sure, I know it would be a hell of a lot funner for me to be doing some acting in this industry, but let’s face it, I’ve got the mug of a goblin and the body to match, so we’ll just leave that order of business to the Brad Pitts, the Leonardo DiCaprios and the Jonah Hills of the world. I’m just happy to be in the entertainment industry, doing something I love, which is seeing all these wonderful films and then giving you my opinions on them.
Which brings us to MY awards show: THE MATTY’S.
This is the third year that I’ve hosted THE MATTY’S, and it seems to keep growing with each passing year… Yes, I am MATTY, hear me ROAR!
And now to our first category: “Best Supporting Actress.”
Before we even get started I want to tell you how I do my show. I’m different, I do it any way I want, so you’ll just have to follow along to understand what THE MATTY’S are all about.
And the nominees for “Best Supporting Actress” are:
Jennifer Lawrence, (American Hustle): Lawrence, America’s newest sweetheart is on a roll. She won “Best Actress” last year at the Oscars for her role in “Silver Linings Playbook,” but she has never won a MATTY statuette. (which just so happens to be a gigantic, golden nose.) In “Hustle” she plays a fabulous, pain in the ass ex-wife to Christian Bale’s character. She’s scrumptious in this film, but I think she was even better in another film this year: “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.”
Lupita Nyong’o, (12 Years a Slave): Lupita is a newcomer to Hollywood. With only four films under her belt she is a relative unknown. Hell, I couldn’t even find out how old she is. But she did go to Yale’s School of Drama, so I learned a little bit about her. In “12 Years a Slave” Nyong’o plays “Patsey,” a slave who is admired (and ruthlessly beaten on) by her slave owner. It surely was a tough role for her, but she acted the part magnificantly. It was a powerful film and an even more powerful performance.
Julia Roberts, (August: Osage County): Roberts, America’s slightly older sweetheart still has the acting chops. I hadn’t seen her in many movies recently, but she fires back in this film with some serious spunk. She plays a hard-nosed woman in a dysfunctional family with an even harder-nosed mother in Meryl Streep. Roberts is fantastic, and (to my surprise) the film was just as fantastic as she was.
Sally Hawkins, (Blue Jasmine): I’m sorry Sally Hawkins, but I cannot in good conscience give money to a director who hopes that his daughter invites him to the Sadie Hawkins dance at the local hoe-down. Seriously, this man married his daughter. Am I the only person who can’t get past this? I’ve done a lot of wrong things in my life, A LOT, but I’ve never married my own daughter. Where are your morals Woodman? (Okay, it’s not REALLY his daughter, and TECHNICALLY it’s not even his step daughter, but man, you gotta draw the line somewhere in the sand, right?) Google “Woody Allen/Soon-Yi Previn,” that’ll get you all up to date on what I’m still fixated on.
June Squibb, (Nebraska): Squibb, America’s eldest sweetheart gives the performance of a lifetime in “Nebraska.” Born during the Great Depression (Nov 6, 1929) Squibb has had herself a healthy acting career in both TV and film. But I’ll always remember her for her role as Kate Grant, the loud-mouthed, story-telling, funny old coot from the coming of (old) age film, “Nebraska.” Squibb puts on a hilarious performance as the wife of Woody Grant (Bruce Dern). She rattles off funny stories of yesteryear, while at the same time keeping her eye on her booze-loving, senile husband and the vultures that are out to plunder him out of his new found fortune. I’ll say it right now: Squibb is a delight.
My “Snub Vote” in this category goes to, well, first let me tell you what a “Snub Vote ” is. You see, all of the other nominees in this category were nominated for the Oscar, but the Academy is not always right. As a matter of fact, they are quite often NOT right at all. That’s why the MATTY’S are so great, so genious, and so ahead of its time. I do whatever I want at my awards show. So if I think you deserved to be nominated then you’re getting nominated! That’s the MATTY rule. Honestly, I bet I see WAY more films than those schmucks in the Academy each year, yet they’re the ones voting for the winners? That’s why THE MATTY’S are a much more legitamate awards show, and that’s why people take my picks seriously.
Oh yeah, and my “Snub Vote” goes to:
Scarlett Johansson, (Her): Johansson isn’t even seen in this film, yet she deserves a nomination. She plays the voice of Samantha, a computer program who develops feelings (and vice/versa) with a human named Theodore (Joaquin Pheonix.) This Spike Jones film is original and beautifully done… and with Scarlett’s voice as the computer? Well, oh my. That raspy voice sent my head spinning. I said to myself that I wouldn’t to write this, but honestly, after the movie ended I went right home and “made out” with my computer.
There’s your SIX nominees.
And the MATTY goes to: June Squibb.
The Oscar WILL will go to: Jennifer Lawrence.
The Oscar SHOULD go to: June Squibb
Congratulations June Squibb on winning your first MATTY! You deserved it.
Stay tuned for next week’s category, “Best Supporting Actor.”
Have a great night, don’t forget to tip your waiters and waitresses, and PLEASE drive safely. We all love you here at “The Matty Academy,” and we want to see you next week.
Matty W. Kelley, A Seat Apart Productions, reporting.
Don’t forget to check out ‘mattywkelley.com’ for all my written AND online movie reviews.