[xrr rating=4.75/5]
“The Conjuring” was so scary it made my genitals fall off.”
I kid you not, as I gingerly walked out of the theatre, I quickly peeked down into my slacks, and there it was….. nothing. There was NOTHING there to see. It was just like looking at a Ken doll. I was genital-less.
That is how frighteningly scary this film was.
Now, I’ll tell you right from the get-go that the ‘horror’ genre is not my bag, baby. I’m much more into the ‘science-fiction’ and ‘comedy’ genres. But of course, being the professional movie reviewer that I am, I must see ALL films, no matter what type of movie they are. (except pornography. I absolutely REFUSE to review pornography!… But watch it? Well, that’s a whole different story.)
Let me tell you about the scariest movie I’ve seen since 2010’s “Insidious”.
“The Conjuring” takes place in 1971, in a Rhode Island farmhouse recently bought by the Parren family. Carolyn (Lili Taylor) and Roger (Ron Livingston) are the parents of five daughters living in this house. Strange things are afoot inside this dwelling. Paranormal activity is running amuck. When the girls are sleeping at night, evil spirits are pulling on their legs. The smell of rotton meat skunks up the house with a rancid odor, and Carolyn is waking up each morning with bruises all over her body.
But it gets much worse. (and much scarier) The youngest child is chatting away with some dead kid that no one can see, and the middle daughter is seeing demons hiding behind her door in her bedroom. Oh, and once in a while someone is getting dragged around by her feet and tossed into walls like a rag doll. I’m telling you, there is some evil shenanigans going on in this house.
The parents realize that they need some serious help. They reach out to a husband/wife duo that works in the field of Demonology. (yeah, Demonology. Sounds like a fun occupation to jump into.)
Ed and Lorraine Warren are the demonologists (or paranormal investigators) hired to help out the Parren family. They have worked on many, many paranormal cases, but this one really seems to grab their attention. There is just so much evil in this house.
Lorraine (Vera Farmiga) realizes how much terror this family is going through and really wants to help them. Her husband Ed, (Patrick Wilson) wants to help too, but he has some serious reservations. It doesn’t really matter what Ed thinks anyway because they are in this for the long haul.
Did I tell you that this film is based on actual cases that the Warren’s worked on over the years? Yeah, this is based on real people and real events… Creepy.
Now, I could tell you more about this film but then you wouldn’t go see it. And I want you to go see it. This is one of those films that only comes along every so often, and deserves to be seen at the theatre. So I’ll just tell you my thoughts on it.
First, this movie truly scared the pants off of me… Yes, at one point I had no pants on. An usher came up to me and made me put my pants back on or he would kick me out… I obliged. But seriously, not too many movies can really put a good scare into me. This one did. The way it was made was horror perfection. It had darkness, but not so much darkness that you couldn’t see a thing. There were nice daylight scenes, and when there was a dark, night-time scene, the director (James Wan) made it bright enough that you could focus on what was going on… Yeah, this is the type stuff I look for in a film. I’m a professional movie reviewer for crying out loud! I hate it when horror movies are shot in the complete dark. I’ve been there before. If I want to be scared that way then I’ll just harken back to the good ol’ days where I’d be getting chased through the woods at midnight by the cops. Now that’s scary.
Secondly, the suspense was perfectly timed. Not dragged out too long, and not too quick on the draw. There were scenes in this film that you’d think nothing was going to happen, and then BOOM! Holy smokes! I wasn’t expecting that! Then there would be scenes where you are on the edge of your seat, just waiting to be horrified, and then your like, really? (wait for it) What the…. Holy smokes! I was expecting something totally different! I’m telling you, it takes a certain director to make suspense work, and you, James Wan perfected it in this film.
And thirdly, I loved the casting. The lead actors are all well known, but not “Hey, I’m too big for this movie” type actors. They all brought their “A” game to this film and it showed. Each actor worked quite well off each other, and no one actor was better than the next. I liked that in this film. It was a great ensemble cast.
Sorry, I just got to say why I like these actors so much.
Ron Livingston. He was a MADDOG as Peter Gibbons in “Office Space”. I can’t watch that movie enough.
Vera Farmiga. I fell in love with you in “The Departed”. Your acting was superb and you were smoking hot… You made me wish I was a cop and a druggie. Actually, I just wished I was either Leo DiCaprio or Matt Damon.
Lili Taylor. I liked you because you were in “Mystic Pizza” back in 1988, and I recognized you 25 years later in this film! Girl, you haven’t changed a bit! (Note: I loved “Mystic Pizza”.)
Patrick Wilson. Hey, what can I say, I loved you in “Insidious”. It’s pretty much the only other good horror film I’ve seen in the past three or four years. Actually, you were pretty cool as a bad guy in “The A-Team” too. You’re cool in my book, brother.
You want to know what was a horrible horror film? “Texas Chainsaw 3D”… Yeah, I just wanted to throw that out there for all the world to see.
So, in closing, I want to say that this movie was dynamite for these reasons: Any horror movie that can make your hair stand on end HAS got to be a good horror movie. Any horror movie that makes your stomach get all tied up in knots HAS got to be a good horror movie. Any horror movie that truly makes your heart hurt HAS to be a good horror movie.
And, any horror movie that makes your genitals fall off HAS to be a GREAT horror movie.
“The Conjuring” is a frightenly fantastic horror movie.
Matty W. Kelley, “A Seat Apart Productions”, reporting.
Fun Fact: Ron Livingston attended Yale University with Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti.
Fun Matty Fact: Last year, I was a groomsmen in my buddy Neal Flaherty’s (Brooklyn Castle) wedding. One of his friends, (with whom I became friends with) was also a groomsman. His name is Dave Neustadter… Like Neal, Dave also works in Hollywood. At the end of this film I was watching the credits roll (which I always do) and who was the first name that popped up? Executive producer Dave Neustadter! I couldn’t believe it! I called Neal right when I got out of the theatre and said “Dude, I think I just saw Dave’s name MAJORLY attached to The Conjuring!” And Neal told me “Yup, The Conjuring is one of his babies.” That made me feel cool because I got to hang out with a guy who put together a bigtime, major motion picture… I like when that stuff happens to me. Way to go Dave, I’m proud of you… And I’m utterly thrilled that you had NOTHING to do with the film “Texas Chainsaw 3D”.