[xrr rating=2.5/5]
Let’s just call this film “ParaBoring.”
Every so often I like to review children’s movies just so I can keep my young readers entertained. I also review them so all of you parents out there can figure out if you should take your children to these films. This week I saw “ParaNorman.” Should you go see it? Well that’s what we’re going to find out.
It was Sunday afternoon and Stephen Gostowski just shanked the game winning field goal attempt for the Patriots. I was depressed. But not as depressed as I would’ve been had I put a thousand dollars on the game. You see, that’s a whole different type of depression. That’s a “gun-in-the-mouth” depression, and those depressions are the worst. Luckily I haven’t had that itch in a while now. Well, to be truthful, I have had that itch, I just haven’t scratched it in a while.
The depression I had could easily be remedied by catching a late afternoon movie. I have seen pretty much every flick out there and nothing new really tickled my fancy. I figured, why not go see an animated children’s movie. I had seen previews for some good kids’ flicks lately, especially some Halloween-themed films, and when I walked into the theatre and saw “ParaNorman” playing, I said to myself, “Yeah, that’s the one I’ve been wanting to see.” I remembered thinking that it was about a boy who brings his dog back to life.
So I bought my ticket, grabbed two free movie posters, (“Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “Finding Nemo”) grabbed a free childrens book titled “Olivia” (gave that to my niece), strutted on over to the concession stand, grabbed a hot dog, a lemonade, and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, and made my way to my seat in the last row.
And then the previews started. The first preview was an animated trailer about a boy who brings his dog back to life. I was like, “What the……..?” It was then that I realized I had no idea what I was seeing. (I thought I was seeing “Frankenweenie.”)
Sometimes I like that. I like seeing films on a whim, having absolutely no clue what they are about. And there I was, smack-dab in the middle of a movie I was clueless on.
“ParaNorman” is a story about a boy named Norman (Kodi Smit-McPhee) who can see dead people. He lives in a town called Blythe Hollow. Nobody in his town believes him, not even his family. Norman is an outcast. He gets picked on all the time and his dad doesn’t know what to do with him. He just wants him to be normal.
One day Norman runs into his estranged Uncle Prenderghast. He’s the loon of the town. (Much like Uncle Matty.) His uncle tells him that he has to protect the town from a curse that was cast on them centuries ago by a young witch wrongfully sentenced to death by the old townsfolk.
Norman starts snooping around and finds out about this old, young witch and tries to help her cross over and be happy again. But in the meantime, the town is being overrun by seven zombies and there is complete chaos. People are trying to kill the zombies, even though that’s impossible. Basically, there’s just mayhem going on in Blythe Hollow.
Now, I know I’m not smartest person in the world, but I am pretty smart. I’m probably in the top 10 of “Smartest People in Norwood,” and I’m almost positive this movie is a rip-off of the Salem Witch Trials. What I remember from high school about the Salem Witch Trials was that they were very interesting.
This movie was not. This movie was depressing and boring. And that, my friends, is not a good combination for making a great children’s film. I went into the theatre to cure my depression and I came out even more depressed!
Another problem with the film was the actual looks of the characters. Now before I go any further I just want to tell you that I am a superficial man-pig. I like good looks. This movie’s characters’ looks were not good at all. I mean, the mother in the film was ugly. She had the baggiest eyes ever! When I go to the movies to see a cartoon mother, I want her to be hot! They should’ve made her look like the mother from the movie “The Incredibles.” Now she was smoking hot! (Well, for an animated mother, that is.) And then there was Norman’s buddy Neil. Just looking at this roley-poley dumpling made me develop diabetes. And finally, there was Norman’s sister Courtney (Anna Kendrick), she was a good looking chick. She wore a pink sweatsuit for the entire film, and that was cool because I love sweatsuits… but my God, they made her butt so big, you could’ve shown the movie on it! But I kid. Please don’t think I’m creepy just because I’m critiquing cartoon characters’ looks. There are plenty of other reasons to think I’m creepy. Hey, I’m just speaking from the heart, and that’s what you want, right? You want my opinion, well I give you my opinion… on everything.
But I digress. Let me sum up here. I did not like this movie because of its story. I think they took way too long getting to “meat and potatoes” of the plot and by the time they did, I was just spent. It did get better towards the end because there was a moral to the story. An eye for an eye doesn’t necessarily work. Sometimes you’ve got to let go, and forgive… and bullys are bad. But hey, we all knew this already.
What I will give props to is the artistic beauty of the film. I know, I know, I thought everyone was ugly, but what I mean is, it takes some seriously creative people to make a stop-motion film like this. It takes so much time and patience to do, and I NEVER want to diminish the work that the animators and sculptors and whoever else is involved in this end of the movie-making are doing. They are true artists and I totally recognize them as talented and gifted individuals. They totally made a beautifully ugly and beautiful film.
I just thought the story was sub-par… and I’m guessing I’m in the minority on this one.
And that’s why I’m…
Matty W. Kelley
Fun Fact: As ugly as I found the mother in this film, I find the woman who played her as one of the sexiest older women in Hollywood. Her name is Leslie Mann. (“Knocked Up,” “17 Again”). I’m sorry ladies, she’s 40. That’s old in Hollywood.
Fun Matty Fact: When I go to bed at night, I say my prayers, and at the end I always sign off by saying “Goodnight cruel world.” I’ve been saying this for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why I say it. It’s not a cruel world for me at all. I think I must have heard that line from a movie a long time ago… does anyone know what I’m talking about?