Prisoners

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Prisoners

For me, there are two types of films. Some movies flow into your skull for the two hours that you’re sitting in the theatre and then they escape right after you leave. Then there are a select few films that stay with you long after you’ve left your trash behind for the ushers to clean up.

Which brings me to my point. Why the hell don’t you guys clean up after yourselves? What the hell is going on here? Sure, I understand if you drop your popcorn, I know you can’t be picking that stuff up, but why not grab your empty cups and popcorn bags. I know you guys, you’d never leave your Yoo-hoo’s and Smartfood on your livingroom floor after you finished watching “Die Hard 4”, would you? So why don’t we just do what “Woodsie the Owl” always taught us, “Give a hoot, don’t pollute!” Which brings me to my second point. Why the hell can’t I even get through a paragragh without jumping off topic. Is it because I care about movie theatre pollution? Or maybe it’s because I always want things to be perfect when I go to the theatre. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m a complete mental case that needs some sort of prescription drugs to get me through the day. Hey, I’m a big proponent of “better living through chemistry”.

Well, whatever it is, I sure hope I can get it under control at some point. Continue reading Prisoners

The World’s End

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TheWorldsEndI am the best movie reviewer in the world. Period.

Okay, let me revise that. I am the second best movie reviewer in the world. There is only one movie reviewer out there that is better than me. Do you want to know who that is? It’s you!

We’re all movie reviewers, right? You don’t go to the movies to see a film and hope that I like it, do you? Let me answer that for you: Of course you don’t! You go to see a movie with the hopes that YOU like it. Who gives a hoot what anyone else thinks. Hell, if I lived my movie-reviewing life that way, then I would have had to hate “Freejack”. (Which I personally think was a fantastic film. Kudos to you Emilio Estevez, Rene Russo, Mick Jagger, David Johanson (A.K.A. Buster Poindexter) and Sir Anthony Hopkins.) Continue reading The World’s End

We’re The Miller’s

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WereTheMillers

I’ve found the second movie of the year worthy of constant belly laughter. The first movie this year that made me grab at my gut was “This Is The End”, starring Seth Rogan and James Franco.

And now I have another.

“We’re The Miller’s” is that film that’ll have you constantly grabbing at your blubber. It’s that funny of a film.

I didn’t really know what to expect from this movie before I went in. I hadn’t heard too much about it. I had only seen a few previews for it in recent weeks, and, well, Ironman wasn’t in it, so it hadn’t really marinated in my brain too much. But of course, it’s a movie, so I was definitely going to see it.

And gosh-dang, am I glad I did! Continue reading We’re The Miller’s

Sharknado

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SharknadoSomeone needs to be put down for this film. And when I say “put down”, I mean killed. Placed in a hole and covered with dirt. Wiped off the face of this planet. Layed on a table and injected with cyanide. Dragged out into the middle of the desert and left for dead. Drawn and quartered. Taken out to the town common and hanged. Whatever’s got to be done has got to be done. But make no doubt about it, someone needs to pay for this catastrophe of cataclysmic proportions.

Someone needs to pay. And right now I’m the only one who has. I’m the only person who paid $13.50 to see this disaster of a film. You see, this is my problem. I have a hard and steadfast rule that I will only review films that I see in the theatre. “Sharknado” was a SyFy “made for TV” movie, so I thought that I was in the clear. Now I’m being serious here, when “Sharknado” was playing on TV, I received numerous emails, texts messages, and post cards from all over the world to review this film. But I said that I can’t, because it was not playing in the theatre. Continue reading Sharknado

2 Guns

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2Guns“Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D” was a terrible movie.

Ok, now that I got that off my chest I can really focus on reviewing a movie. A good movie! And that movie is “2 Guns”.

Before I even get to the movie, I want to talk about the two stars of “2 Guns”. Mark Wahlberg and Denzel Washington. These two actors are at the top of their field. They make movies that both make money AND are critically acclaimed. Continue reading 2 Guns

The Conjuring

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TheConjuring

“The Conjuring” was so scary it made my genitals fall off.”

I kid you not, as I gingerly walked out of the theatre, I quickly peeked down into my slacks, and there it was….. nothing. There was NOTHING there to see. It was just like looking at a Ken doll. I was genital-less.

That is how frighteningly scary this film was.

Now, I’ll tell you right from the get-go that the ‘horror’ genre is not my bag, baby. I’m much more into the ‘science-fiction’ and ‘comedy’ genres. But of course, being the professional movie reviewer that I am, I must see ALL films, no matter what type of movie they are. (except pornography. I absolutely REFUSE to review pornography!… But watch it? Well, that’s a whole different story.)

Let me tell you about the scariest movie I’ve seen since 2010’s “Insidious”. Continue reading The Conjuring

The Way Way Back

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TheWayWayBackOkay kids, we are now a little over half way through the year and I’d like to quickly get you up to speed as to where this professional movie reviewer is at, film-wise.

I’ve seen fifty-five films in the theatre so far this year. That should average me out to about one-hundred and ten flickers come years end… But to be truthful, I usually pick it up during the second half of the year. Right around Thanksgiving is when the studios roll out their films that they think will garner Oscar nods. And that’s where I kick it into fifth gear and drop the hammer, so to speak. (Just as Cole Trickle would do in the high octane film, “Days of Thunder”.) Some of the best movies drop in between Turkey Day and Christmas, and that is also when I drop my firm, tight buttocks into my “Reserved” last seat, last row, cushioned theatre throne, and really go to work. Continue reading The Way Way Back

The Lone Ranger

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TheLoneRangerThe Lone Ranger galloped its way into theatres this fourth of July weekend, and it seems to me like there isn’t too much buzz around it. I find this odd seeing that the film is a remake of the popular TV show of the same name and also stars a big-name actor in Johnny Depp. But what do I know? I could be completely wrong on this. I’ve looked for some early numbers on its box-office take and I couldn’t find any. Then again, I am writing this review on friday evening and maybe they haven’t tallied up all the figures from the holiday yet… Either way, it doesn’t matter what it raked in, because whether it took in 40 dollars or 40 million dollars, I’m going to review it for you. (Just a quick note though: This film cost an estimated 250 million dollars to make… That’s why I wanted to see some rough numbers.)

“The Lone Ranger” tells the story of how John Reid (Armie Hammer) a man of the law, became the legendary masked hero. It also follows Tonto’s crusade to find justice from a man who slayed his entire tribe when he was a child… (and all for a pocketwatch.) Continue reading The Lone Ranger

Man of Steel

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ManofSteel

What’s faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and WAY more destructive than a category 5 hurricane with an F5 tornado in the middle of it? That’s right, Superman.

“Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird!
It’s a plane! It’s Superman!….. And he’s the most destructive
superhero to ever roam this planet!

We’ll talk about his destructive
tendencies a little bit later on in this article. But for now, I’m
  to give you the MATTY-fied movie review of the new blockbuster superfilm, “Man of Steel”. Continue reading Man of Steel

The Fast & The Furious Hangover!

Hangover 3As I sit here this evening in front of my computer, I can’t help but ponder the age old question of which film to write a review on. Should I compose an article on the “awfully good” film I saw over the weekend? Or should I scribe about the “terribly bad” film I saw over the Memorial Day holiday? Continue reading The Fast & The Furious Hangover!