Movie Reviews – Page 8 – Matty W. Kelley

The Matty’s: Best Actor- 2013

And the MATTY for “Best Actor” goes to……..

We got to get right to this MATTY. I hear there’s a storm on the horizon. A blizzard. Everybody’s got to get out and purchase their Nineteen gallons of milk, twenty-two loaves of bread, and four dozen eggs before this whopper hits. What are you going to do with all those groceries? Seriously, once the first flake falls are you going to bathe in a tub of milk? Or are you making 900 slices of french toast so you and your family can survive on breakfast during this devastating 24 hour long storm? Or maybe you are all just mental cases, listening to weathermen tell you to load up on these products just in case you’re stranded in your house for God forbid, 72 hours. Let me tell you, if you’re stuck in your house for three days, I guarantee you will not need 17 pounds of butter! (or whatever it is you got to buy mass quantities of.) Continue reading The Matty’s: Best Actor- 2013

The Mattys: Best Actress (Part III)

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And the ‘MATTY’ for Best Actress goes to….

And we’re back, here at the luxurious Norwood Patch ballroom and concert hall. (Also known as my computer room.) And I see some beautiful faces out there… Wait a minute, no I don’t. All I see is my stunning mug and glistening, svelte body staring back at me from my full length mirror. You see, this is what a giant narcissist does to get himself through the day. I put mirrors up all over my house so I can always see myself. Sometimes I’m nude, sometimes I’m not. But all the time, I’m gorgeous. Continue reading The Mattys: Best Actress (Part III)

‘The Mattys’

And the MATTY for Best Supporting Actor goes to…

Who’s ready for another “Matty”? I can guarantee you, NOT the Town of Norwood. I think this town has had their fill of my shenanigans over the past 30 some odd years to last a millennia. I’ve left a footprint that cannot be easily scraped away. You couldn’t quickly sand blast off my “G.I. JOE” graffiti from the Jr. High North wall. And so what, I burned the swamp down a couple of times (four times). Just look at how thick and lovely it grew back in. Beautiful plumage. Now, it’s almost impossible for anyone to drink up there. The police should be thanking me because they don’t have to chase kids through those treacherous goat paths anymore. And if they try to run, they get stuck in the thorns. (You’re welcome.) Oh, and I stole a car when I was younger, but no one ever caught me… it’s at the bottom of New Pond on the St. Tim’s side. (I’m just kidding on that one… or am I?) Yep, there can only be one “Matty”, and that “Matty” is me. Continue reading ‘The Mattys’

“Zero Dark Thirty” is Zero Dark Dynamite.

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The theatre screen is completely black for the first two minutes of the film. All you can hear are air traffic controllers speaking to planes in the sky. Next, you hear the frantic phone calls from innocent souls trapped in the World Trade Center buildings. People are calling 911, screaming that they’re burning up. Family members (just like yours and mine) are talking to love ones, saying their last goodbyes. Some are begging emergency response teams to please help them. You hear technicians talking with the military, saying “This is not a drill, this is real life.” You hear them asking for help in the air, “Scramble some F16’s”… The United States is under attack on September 11, 2001.

You see none of this. You don’t see innocent victims jumping to their death. You don’t see the buildings come crumbling down. You don’t see people running for cover as a giant smoke cloud chases them through the New York City streets. And you don’t see fire fighters and police officers running to their deaths, in hopes of saving some innocent lives…. Yet, you see all of this. You see it all vividly in your mind, because we have all lived through this. We lived through the horror of 9/11.

And so begins the epic film, “Zero Dark Thirty.” Continue reading “Zero Dark Thirty” is Zero Dark Dynamite.

‘Django Unchained’

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“Django Unchained” is another masterpiece from the fabulous mind of Quentin Tarantino.

Quentin Tarantino has done it again. He has made yet another movie that I totally love. He has done this many times with me. As a director, he has only a handful of mainstream films, but some of the great ones include “Reservoir Dogs,” “Pulp Fiction” and my number one movie of 2009, “Inglorious Basterds.” He was also a “special guest director” on a cool movie named “Sin City” too. He did let me down though with the films “Kill Bill: Volumes 1 and 2″… and I look forward to being let down again when “Kill Bill: Volume 3” comes out. (Yup, I just read that it has been announced, which means pre-production is on the way.) I surely hope it doesn’t let me down, but I just didn’t dig the first two. Either way, I’ll be seeing it because it’s a Tarantino film. Continue reading ‘Django Unchained’

Les Miserables

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“Sing, sing a song, make it simple, make it strong!” And that’s exactly what I do with my review of “Les Miserables.” So read it… or better yet, sing it!

Alright, alright! Who the hell told me to go see “Les Mis”? First off, from the previews, this was NOT a movie I was looking forward to seeing at all. Then I heard it was originally a book! (Never going to read that!) Then I heard I was turned into a Broadway play! (Never going to see that!) And to top it all off, it’s a musical! (Why the HELL wasn’t I notified that this was a musical?) Well, the sweet young lady who told me to have an open mind and just go see this film (or she’d kill me with her nunchucks) was a dynamic ninja turtle named Carol-Ann… and my God, I have to thank her. Continue reading Les Miserables

‘The Sessions’

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“The Sessions” is a moving film about sex and love… and so is this review. So read it.

Do you remember your first time? You know what I’m talking about, the first time you had sex? Of course you do. It’s a major part of growing up. I remember my first time. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all graphic on you. I’m not going to make this an R-rated movie review. But I will tell you that it was the summer going into my senior year, and it was the best 15 seconds of my life. (Well, up until that that point anyway.) Now don’t go trying to guess who she was. All I’ll tell you is she was a beautiful young lady, and she was from the Niagra Falls area.

It’s a big “to do” for young boys growing up. When you hit puberty, your hormones start going haywire and all you have is sex on the brain. I was a late bloomer. Up until 14 or 15 I had no clue about the birds and the bees. (Hell, I believed in Santa until the eighth grade!) Growing up in my family, nobody sat me down and told me what was up and where certain things were supposed to go. Nobody told me how babies were made. I learned that the old fashioned way, from the nudie magazines I found at the swamp, from the streets, and from sharing information gathered by myself and my friends. (Mostly incorrect information.) Honestly, I don’t know if any of my friends were ever sat down by their parents and told about sex either. It was a different time back then. Continue reading ‘The Sessions’

‘Killing Them Softly’

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“America is not a country, it’s a business.”

William Bradley Pitt, born in Oklahoma on Dec. 18, 1963. William Bradley Pitt, raised in Missouri and moved to California to pursue acting. William Bradley Pitt, married the gorgeous Jennifer Aniston… and divorced her only to hang out with his new stunner, the delicious Angelina Jolie. William Bradley Pitt, given the role of a lifetime by playing the character “Tyler Durden” in the phenominal film “Fight Club.” William Bradley Pitt, known to many ladies as possibly the sexiest man on the planet. William Bradley Pitt….

Let’s just call him “Brad.” Continue reading ‘Killing Them Softly’

‘Lincoln’

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Four score and seven years ago I wrote a movie review on the film, “Lincoln!”

Abraham Lincoln is my favorite president… Period. I know there’s a couple others that may be in the running for this title, but for me it is most definitely Lincoln. You’ve got George Washington, father of our country. He was considered a traitor by the Engilsh, but he believed in a great nation, and he fought for it, kicking redcoat booty all over the thirteen colonies. Then you have FDR. This optimist dragged us out of the Depression with his NEW DEAL. His unfailing optimism jolted the spirit of America. Continue reading ‘Lincoln’

“Argo” is a powerful film that will place you right back into the Iranian hostage crisis.

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Where were you Nov. 4, 1979? I’m not sure where I was. Maybe I was playing in the back yard, flying my hula-hoop spaceship with my brothers. I was Commander Rom, and my brother Andy was Captain Juno, and I forget what Doopa’s character’s name was, but we were some imaginative children.

Maybe I wasn’t flying my hula-hoop spaceship at all. Maybe my brothers and I were pulling on our “Stretch Arm Strong” doll until all the jelly poured out of the inside of it.

Or maybe, just maybe, my mother sent me to Friendly’s to pick up a tuna fish sandwich for the nice old lady that lived in my attic,named Catherine Connolley. I’d bring her up the sandwich and she’d always give me a bite. I loved those tuna fish sandwiches. Until one day when I found out that “tuna fish” was fish. (How did I not put that together?) You see, I had a fish-stick once when I was little and I absolutely hated it. I made a vow with myself to never eat fish again. Continue reading “Argo” is a powerful film that will place you right back into the Iranian hostage crisis.