[xrr rating=1/5]
Guess who will be caught making-out with John Carter at this years Razzie Awards? That’s right, Alex Cross.
Ok folks, we’re jumping right into this movie review, feet first.
First off, I am wondering why the hell this movie wasn’t called “Tyler Perry’s: Alex Cross”? Every single movie, or television show, or anything for that fact, that this narcissist has ever been in, has always started off with the two words “Tyler Perry’s…” (Trust me, I know a narcissist when I see one… I am one, just ask me.) Have you ever noticed this? Take a look, Tyler Perry’s “Madea’s Family Reunion,” Tyler Perry’s “Meet The Browns,” Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married Too,” Tyler Perry’s “House of Payne.” I was driving through town yesterday and I think I saw a van that said “Tyler Perry’s Plumbing and Heating” and a restaurant that said “Tyler Perry’s Chipotle.” I mean, this guy will put his name on anything!
So why not on the film “Alex Cross”? Maybe it’s because he realized that this movie was absolutely horrendous and didn’t want to associate his name with it. This movie was Tyler Perry’s “House of Payne-ful” to watch. I would rather go see the 1990’s backwards clothes wearing, hip-hop duo “Kris-Kross” than see “Alex Cross” again… I’d rather have to listen to the easy listening melodies of middle aged crooner Christopher Cross than have to watch “Alex Cross” again… And, I apologize in advance to my devout Catholic readers for this one, but I would rather be hanging from a cross than have to watch “Alex Cross” again.
Ok readers, are you catching my drift here? This movie reeked of rotten eggs. The first thing that “Alex Cross” should do, is write the most wonderful thank you letter to “John Carter.” You see, it is only because of “John Carter” that this movie won’t receive Worst Film of the Year honors. Then, what these two cats should do is, go clothes shopping together because they will want to coordinate their outfits for when they’re sitting right next to each other at this year’s Razzie Awards. These two will be front and center, holding hands and vying for the coveted “Worst Film” award.
Yeah, this movie sucked. Why did it suck you ask? Well, I’m going to tell you.
Tyler Perry plays Alex Cross, a homicide detective working on a case where a woman was gruesomely tortured and murdered. Cross figures out that the woman was tortured by her killer pretty much for his thrills, and there is actually someone else who is really the target. The killer is played by Matthew Fox and the target is played by someone else. (I don’t really care who it was.) The real REAL target was played by Jean Reno… who was actually the fake target. You know what? The plot was meaningless. I didn’t really know OR CARE what was going on. There was a plot, but you don’t really get to it until the end. The director (Rob Cohen) was trying to be clever. He was trying to make this a thinking man’s movie, but all he did was make you feel dumber for having watched this trash. I walked out angry.
Let’s talk about some actors who WON’T be up for an Oscar this season.
Matthew Fox. You were the best of a bad, BAD project. You got yourself into great shape for this role and you pulled it off pretty well. I didn’t like how your eyes sometimes popped out of your head when you were trying to act overly psychotic, but hey, you were the cream of the crop in this film.
Jean Reno. You played a billionaire or something, I don’t know for sure because you were so forgettable. The only thing I do remember about you was that stupid fedora hat you were wearing. Your acting was sub-par at best, and I know you’re better than that. Go home and rent “The Professional.” That’s the Jean Reno I want to see.
Edward Burns played Alex Cross’ partner. I don’t know what to tell you. I like you a lot. I thought you were great in “The Brothers McMullin.” But you play the SAME EXACT CHARACTER all the time! You acted the same in “Alex Cross” as you did in “Saving Private Ryan”! AND the same in “27 Dresses” as you did in “Man on a Ledge”! I love you buddy but your next role has got to be playing an autobot or maybe Frodo’s pal or something. Anything where you will not be playing you. I know you got it in you brother. Work with me here.
John C. McGinnley. You were in this? I forgot.
Cicely Tyson played Nana Mama, Alex Cross’ mom. I loved her in “The Help,” but I did not like her role in this film. I think she was relegated to playing the stereotypical old black momma that you’d see in films of the sixties. I don’t like when a role asks for that when every other character in the film is so developed. I mean, her son was a well educated doctor (and detective), yet her role was to play the momma who talks in tongues while trying to get her son to eat properly… Plus, she had a terrible wig.
And you, Tyler Perry. What can I say. Your acting in this film was poor. I didn’t believe you ABOUT ANYTHING for a second. When you were supposed to be romantic, it came off corny. When you were supposed to be smart, it came off pretentious. And when you were supposed to play “tough” it came off hilarious. There were serious parts of the movie where I was laughing my ass off… and I shouldn’t have been. This role was not made for you. Maybe you should try playing an old lady… Oh you’ve already done that? A hundred times? Well then, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe buy steroids, get yourself on a cycle, and start lifting weights. Oh, you’ve done that too? Well then, I’m at a loss. (Note: Tyler Perry was on a list of names of people that obtained steroids back in 2008. I’m not sure he ever used them.)
Let me say two more things before I wrap up this review of a wretched film. First, in the beginning of the movie, Matthew Fox’s character calls himself the “Butcher of Sligo.” Being of Irish heritage and having the nickname the “Irish Assassin” I was pumped to find out why he was called that. You know why he was called that? Neither do I! They never said one single thing about it ever again! And two, Alex Cross runs into a heavily guarded building and says something like, “There’s a killer in the building!” and the security guys says, “Who are you? And don’t worry, we’re ex-German cops, we got it under control!” And then they see the killer and without hesitation, they give Alex Cross a rifle! No questions asked! Just run around the building with this rifle, shooting the place up… Oh and don’t worry, we don’t care that we have NO CLUE who you are! We’re ex-German cops….
I’m telling you, this movie ruined my week.
Please, I beg of you, DON’T GO SEE THIS MOVIE. You’ll just be handing money over to “Tyler Perry’s: Watch My Crap.”
Fun Fact: Morgan Freeman played the same character (Alex Cross) in the films “Kiss the Girls” and “Along Came a Spider” in 1997 and 2001 respectively.
Fun Matty Fact: I don’t want to talk about this movie anymore, so I’ll tell you that for the past month I’ve had a father/son Guatemalan duo living in my living room while their new apartment was being renovated. They made me eat “China Rama” for five out of seven nights a week… I work with them too. Every Tuesday and Thursday we have China Rama for lunch… I’m going to miss having them around… but I ain’t going to miss China Rama at all! I’m turning into an eggroll I’m so fat!