Director:
“Ok everyone, let’s get ready for the final scene! This is it! The martini shot! Time to air Matty’s biggest “Big Nose” of the night! Let’s make this finale a great one!
Cue the cameramen! Cue the Production and Art Departments! Cue the grips! Cue the Best Boy! Q the Bert! And most importantly, cue the P.A.s! We need those G.D. P.A.s, stat!
Ok Matty, you’re on! Let’s do this!
And remember, I love you. I always have.”
“Go for Matty in 3… 2… 1…”
(Matty stares mesmerized at his female director).
Matty:
“Huh??? Um… Ok… we’re back…
(Matty again stares oddly at his director).
I mean, WE’RE BACK!
Here we are, back at The Matty Awards! And what a show it has been so far! We’ve given out a lot of Golden Noses tonight, and we’re not done yet. We still have to give out our Biggest Beak of the evening: “Best Picture.”
But before we do that, why don’t we congratulate our earlier winners.
Our “Best Supporting Actress” went to the beautiful Maggie Gyllenhall for “Frank.”
Our “Best Supporting Actor” went to the enormously talented J.K. Simmons for his role in “Whiplash.”
Who could forget our “Best Actress” winner, the never-aging Julianne Moore for her courageous role in “Still Alice.”
And let’s not forget our “Best Actor” recipient, Tom Hardy for his incredible one-man show in the film “Locke.”
Let’s give these winners a “big nose” round of applause! You all deserved The Matty. I hope you cherish my “Golden Nostrils” forever.
But now it’s time to give out the biggest MATTY of the night: “Best Picture.”
Before I start rolling out the “possible nostril winners,” I’d like to tell you that I’m just going to quickly skim over these films since there are so many nominees this year. I only hope that you have seen many (if not all) of these movies.
Please hold your applause til the end.
Let’s get to it.
And the nominees are:
American Sniper:
It was war. It was sad. It was an incredible film with a family story intertwined. I’m not a huge “war” guy, (unless it’s Star Wars) but this true story was well done.
The Imitation Game:
Another war story. Another true story. This one also had a terrible outcome. But what do I know, I guess “sadness” sells.
Birdman:
This story was intense. Fast paced and at times quite comical. But in the end there is an underlying story of fame, despair, and some sort of mental illness. This film punched me in the face… and I like being punched in the face.
Selma:
This story is about one of my greatest heroes, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. It tells of how Dr. King united a front to allow for African-Americans to vote without fear of persecution. It also hit on so much more. I think there needs to be more films about Dr. King. He was an inspirational man.
Boyhood:
One of the most original films I’ve seen in years. This movie didn’t have special effects. It didn’t have an over the top story line. It didn’t have a fantasy aspect to it. What it did have was a story about life. Not your life, and not my life. It was about one family’s life, spread out over twelve years.
This was a story about life, period.
People always say to me that they want to see a movie that’s a real life story. Well folks, here it is.
The Theory of Everything:
Here’s another true story. This one is about the life of renowned physicist, Stephen Hawking and his struggles with ALS and his eventual separation from his beautiful wife, Jane.
The Grand Budapest Hotel:
Now this is a film that I really dug. Written and directed by quirky filmmaker, Wes Anderson, the story is about… well… like most Wes Anderson films, this is a movie that you just have to see for yourself. The story and the filmmaking are splendid. I loved the odd visuals of the hotel and the gondola.
Fantastic job.
Whiplash:
Intense movie with equally intense acting. Who would’ve thought that you could get me interested in a film about a band instructor and his drumming disciple. I guess that’s where magnificent acting comes into play.
The Drop:
Haven’t heard of this one? Well, it stars Tom Hardy, Noomi Rapace, and James Gandolfini in a story about sports booking, gangsters, loyalty (or lack of), and money drops. It was a quiet film that went under the radar, but I didn’t miss it. Great flick.
Chef:
The reason this film may not be up for any big awards this season is that it came out too early in the year and people (namely critics) forgot about it. It’s a great story about a father, his son, his ex, and his friend. And it also stars some delicious, mouth-watering food.
The Gambler:
Sure, not many of you will understand why I nominated this film, but then again, not many of you are gambling addicts like myself. See, I had a terrible problem with sports betting a few years ago, and this film made those feelings come flying right back into my gut. I feel that if a film can do that to you, then it’s got to be a pretty powerful film. Great job by Mark Wahlberg.
Interstellar:
Who says blockbusters can’t be award winning films?
Not Matty.
“Interstellar” is a beautiful film with a well thought out story that makes the possibility of time travel plausible. If you know me at all through my articles, then you know that this is the type of film the pulls at my coattails.
I absolutely loved this film and feel like it should’ve been recognized at more awards shows.
At least it was recognized at The Mattys.
Nightcrawler:
I told you in my “Best Actor” review that I am attracted to psychotic, mentally unstable, sad characters. I’m upset that I left Jake Gyllenhall off that “Best Actor” list. But I won’t make that mistake again.
“Nightcrawler” is a head-scratching thriller that’ll make you wonder what people will do to get ahead in life. It’s a crazy-good story with some crazy-good acting.
And did I happen to mention that it also stars “Freejack” actress, Rene Russo? Yup, that makes it even better.
Locke:
I think we all know how I feel about this film. Hell, I gave Tom Hardy the Golden Nose for “Best Actor.”
This film is “off the road” great. I needn’t say anymore about it.
Here are some honorable mentions. Sure, they are not going to win The Matty, but they were great films nonetheless.
Inherent Vice
Child of God
Snowpiercer
Frank
Under The Skin
Gone Girl
And there’s you FOURTEEN nominations for “Best Picture.”
And the Golden Nose goes to:
Birdman!
This wasn’t too tough of a choice for me. Sure, there were so many great films this year, but “Birdman” grabbed me at the beginning of the film and it didn’t let me go until after the credits were over.
The director, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, had a vision of making this movie seem like it was filmed all in one shot. That alone had me hypnotized. Now add the story of insecure actors, drug addicted-hot daughters, mental illness, and suicide, and man, he had me hooked!
The only other film that was truly in the ring with Birdman this year was Boyhood. So, in a way you could say it was “Man vs. Boy” OR “Bird vs. Hood,” (whichever way you want to look at it).
Hey, maybe I’ll make my headline “Man Beats Boy!” (That should attract some readers to my column.)
So there you have it folks, another outstanding year at the theatre in the books. Let’s hope that next year is just as outstanding.
That’s it for the 2015 Matty Awards. I hope you all had a great time watching me hand out all my Giant Nose statuettes to the best-of-the-best in film.
I sure had a great time.
I’m off to the after-party! (Apparently to hook-up with my director. She seems to have the hots for me. I’m not surprised, I am gorgeous.)
Just remember, I am the SECOND BEST movie reviewer in the world. There’s only ONE better than me…
and it YOU.
Thank you all, and good night!”
Matty W. Kelley, reporting.
mattywkelley.com
Fun Matty Fact: I saw 113 films at the movie theatre this year. (Not a bad number if I do say so myself.)