Hello, loyal, dedicated, and movie-loving followers of mattywkelley.com. (all 3 of you).
It’s been some time since I last posted a review. I feel I owe you an explanation.
Truth be told, I’ve fallen in love. Good, clean love, (without utensils!). She’s a beautiful woman, stunning on the eyes, and quite a passionate and generous love-maker. She has an incredible body, mesmerizing eyes, and legs that go on for days. And she is incredibly smart. FINALLY, I’ve met someone who is of similar intellect as myself. I’ve hit the jackpot with this one.
But if she reads that last paragraph, my lovemaking days may be over, so I’m just going to do what I do best, and that is: review movies.
Now I may not have written an article in a while, but I MOST DEFINITELY have seen plenty of films. I am now up to 88 movies this year.
In this column I am going to quickly rattle through a bunch of films I’ve seen recently. I will try to limit my review of each film to one short paragraph. (And remember, I score these films on the MWK Giant Nose Rating System, between 0 and 5.)
Try and keep up.
The last film I reviewed was Magic Mike XXL, and we all know how I felt about that hot mess. (0.5 Giant Noses).
July 10: Minions
I loved those little yellow pills! Lighthearted and entertaining. Plus, everybody loves pills! (4 Giant Noses).
July 16: Ant-Man
You know what? I had low expectations going into this film, and to my surprise, it over-achieved. The trailers had me down on it, but it was a great, fun story with an excellent casting call in Paul Rudd. (4 Giant Noses).
July 21: Trainwreck
Great debut for Amy Schumer. Good film. Definitely had me laughing hard and some points. Bill Hader made a big splash for me. (3 Giant Noses).
July 23: Southpaw
Eh… I expected a little bit more. I thought for a “revenge” movie, it needed a lot more revenge. I wanted to see Billy Hope (Jake Gyllenhall) kill his opponent in the ring. Literally kill him, like, with a gun. Good movie. Not enough revenge. (3 Giant Noses).
July 28: Vacation
Not the same Rusty. Not the same Audrey. Not the same movie… But the same old story. But hey, it wasn’t terrible. Enjoyable enough for me. (3 Giant Noses).
August 2: Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation
Tom Cruise can do no wrong. Name a movie he’s ever made that’s sucked… You can’t, can you? That’s because Tom Cruise can do no wrong.
And he does no wrong with this film. It could’ve been MI:1, MI:3, MI:17, MI:Whatever! I was gonna like it. It’s just another solid Mission Impossible movie. (3.5 Giant Noses).
August 4: Pixels
Space Invaders, Donkey Kong, Q-Bert, Pac-Man, and Adam Sandler. The world may have hated it, but I didn’t. (3 Giant Noses).
August 9: Fantastic 4
Fantastic bore! This movie was an embarrassment to the original Fantastic Four, which was an embarrassment to movies in general. (0.5 Giant Noses).
August 15: Straight Outta Compton
Intense film. I didn’t know much about NWA and their rise to stardom, but it was an interesting one. Gripping story with some great acting. (Especially by Ice Cube’s son, O’shea Jackson Jr.). (4.5 Giant Noses).
August 23: The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
I’d rather eat a skunk’ll than see The Man From U.N.C.L.E. ever again. Very boring. Poor acting. Gorgeous women. (1.5 Giant Noses).
August 28: We Are Your Friends
What do you get when you cross Zac Efron with a movie script?
You get a gorgeous guy in an ok film that you most likely will not remember. Seriously, all his movies are just ok, and this one is the same. (2.5 Giant Noses).
Note: Zac Efron was in the movie New Year’s Eve, which is quite possibly the worst movie ever. (See my scathing review of New Year’s Eve on mattywkelley.com).
August 31: No Escape
The title of this movie is very misleading. It should’ve been called They Escape.
Oops, did I ruin it for you? Whatever. (3.5 Giant Noses).
September 2: American Ultra
At the time I saw this movie I liked it… Now I don’t remember it. (3 Giant Noses).
September 13: 90 Minutes in Heaven
This should’ve been called 120 Minutes of Hell, because it was terrible. The acting was not good, and the story wasn’t either. I love God. I love Jesus. I love english muffin pizza… I did not love this movie. (0.5 Giant Noses). I gave it a half a nose because I actually want to go to heaven. Don’t want to TOTALLY piss off the Big Guy.
September 20: Black Mass
Fantastic film! Maybe its because I’m partial to the story. Growing up in the Boston area, I knew about James “Whitey” Bulger, Southie, and the gruesome stories surrounding Whitey and the Winter Hill Gang. To see it unfold on the big screen was incredible. I learned a lot more just by watching the film. Powerful performance by Johnny Depp. (4.5 Giant Noses).
September 21: Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials
Part 1 was weak. This one was better. The final one should be great. Which makes me wonder why they’re drawing this out into three films…
Oh yeah… Money. (2.5 Giant Noses).
October 1: The Martian
Or as I like to call it: Space Cast Away.
The film was great. It tells the story of struggle, survival, and the strength of the human mind and body. (Just like in Cast Away!). That being said, I loved the cockiness of Matt Damon’s character. He reminded me of myself. And I know this because I am the best… at everything… always. (4 Giant Noses).
October 5: The Walk
Another incredible film. This TRUE story is about Phillipe Petit and his dream to walk across a high wire strung from the two World Trade Centers back in 1974. Brilliantly shot by Robert Zemekis. A fun film for everyone. (Unless you don’t like heights). Also excellent is the documentary Man On Wire, the film is based off of. (4 Giant Noses).
October 5: Sicario
Possibly the best film of the year. Its a horrifying story of the FBI, border patrol, drug cartels. and how we keep it all in line (as best we can). Intense scenes of gruesome mass graves. The horrors of Juarez, Mexico. And a magnificent story of a hit-man hellbent on exacting revenge.
Benicio Del Toro is phenomenal. (5 Giant Noses).
October 9: The Intern
Anne Hathaway makes good movies, and that’s all I got to say. No wait, Robert DeNiro makes good movies too. Together, they made a wonderful movie about friendship showing no age restrictions. I liked it a lot. (4 Giant Noses).
October 13: Pan
…is being panned across the board, from all movie reviewers. But not by me, I liked it! I don’t know the Peter Pan Story, so what I saw was an original to me. (Apparently this is the beginning of Peter Pan). Anyway, I thought Hook was supposed to be a bad guy, but he wasn’t. Tinkerbell was barely in it, and I know nothing about this fairy tale… Again, this is probably why I liked this film. (3.5 Giant Noses).
There you have it. We’re all caught up.
You may not agree with all my reviews, but just remember, I’m only the SECOND BEST movie reviewer in the world.
See you at the flickers!
Matty W. Kelley, reporting.
mattywkelley.com