Month: July 2013

The Conjuring

[xrr rating=4.75/5]
TheConjuring

“The Conjuring” was so scary it made my genitals fall off.”

I kid you not, as I gingerly walked out of the theatre, I quickly peeked down into my slacks, and there it was….. nothing. There was NOTHING there to see. It was just like looking at a Ken doll. I was genital-less.

That is how frighteningly scary this film was.

Now, I’ll tell you right from the get-go that the ‘horror’ genre is not my bag, baby. I’m much more into the ‘science-fiction’ and ‘comedy’ genres. But of course, being the professional movie reviewer that I am, I must see ALL films, no matter what type of movie they are. (except pornography. I absolutely REFUSE to review pornography!… But watch it? Well, that’s a whole different story.)

Let me tell you about the scariest movie I’ve seen since 2010’s “Insidious”. Continue reading The Conjuring

The Way Way Back

[xrr rating=4.5/5]
TheWayWayBackOkay kids, we are now a little over half way through the year and I’d like to quickly get you up to speed as to where this professional movie reviewer is at, film-wise.

I’ve seen fifty-five films in the theatre so far this year. That should average me out to about one-hundred and ten flickers come years end… But to be truthful, I usually pick it up during the second half of the year. Right around Thanksgiving is when the studios roll out their films that they think will garner Oscar nods. And that’s where I kick it into fifth gear and drop the hammer, so to speak. (Just as Cole Trickle would do in the high octane film, “Days of Thunder”.) Some of the best movies drop in between Turkey Day and Christmas, and that is also when I drop my firm, tight buttocks into my “Reserved” last seat, last row, cushioned theatre throne, and really go to work. Continue reading The Way Way Back

The Lone Ranger

[xrr rating=3/5]
TheLoneRangerThe Lone Ranger galloped its way into theatres this fourth of July weekend, and it seems to me like there isn’t too much buzz around it. I find this odd seeing that the film is a remake of the popular TV show of the same name and also stars a big-name actor in Johnny Depp. But what do I know? I could be completely wrong on this. I’ve looked for some early numbers on its box-office take and I couldn’t find any. Then again, I am writing this review on friday evening and maybe they haven’t tallied up all the figures from the holiday yet… Either way, it doesn’t matter what it raked in, because whether it took in 40 dollars or 40 million dollars, I’m going to review it for you. (Just a quick note though: This film cost an estimated 250 million dollars to make… That’s why I wanted to see some rough numbers.)

“The Lone Ranger” tells the story of how John Reid (Armie Hammer) a man of the law, became the legendary masked hero. It also follows Tonto’s crusade to find justice from a man who slayed his entire tribe when he was a child… (and all for a pocketwatch.) Continue reading The Lone Ranger