Month: February 2013

I adore, mi ‘Amour’.

[xrr rating=4/5]
AmourIt took me some time to ‘amour’ this film, but after thinking about it for a few days, I really do ‘amour’ it.

I’m back!

It’s been somewhat of a lengthy hiatus since I’ve sat down and written an actual review on a movie, you know, with all the hoopla that surrounds “The Mattys”. But that is exactly what I am going to do today. I’m not saying that I despise “The Mattys” or anything like that, it’s just that I’ve seen so many movies since January 1st and haven’t been able to review any of them because of all the time and effort we have had to put in down at the ‘Matty Academy’ just to make “The Mattys” go off without a hitch. And there have been some movies that deserve to be reviewed, like “Texas Chainsaw 3D”. I kid you not, this could be the worst horror film in the history of horror films. (And I’ve seen “Human Centipede”!) This film absolutely deserved a “Matty lashing”. But alas, my awards show deserved the focus we gave it, and “The Mattys” were a rousing success. Thank you all for coming.

Now let’s review a movie!

Continue reading I adore, mi ‘Amour’.

‘The Mattys’ (Part V)

And ‘The Matty’ for Best Picture goes to……

We’ve made it! We have FINALLY made it to the top, the peak, the apex, the pinnacle … We are there, standing at the summit of ‘THE MATTYS’! The ridiculous movie awards show brought to you by the “Matty Academy”, and hosted by none other than the one and only, Matty W. Kelley.

It’s been a LONG journey up the face of Mount Matty. I honestly thought of quitting and just sledding back down the hill, but like the dedicated movie reviewer that I am, I dug my spikes in and kept inching my way to the tippity top. You see, writing these columns (The Mattys) gets tedious after a while. I didn’t realize that when giving out awards, USUALLY the same freeking films are up for every award! That makes it tough. I mean, how many different ways can I tell you how great a film “Flight” was and keep it interesting and organic? Or how INCORRECT everyone is on how excellent a film “Silver Linings Playbook” was? (It’s not award worthy.) Or how ‘sing-songy’ “Les Mis” was? I think you catch my drift here, but let’s do it one more time anyway for the most prestigious award of “THE MATTYS”. Continue reading ‘The Mattys’ (Part V)

‘Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away’

[xrr rating=3.5/5]

‘Cirque du Soleil’ is a major mind trip for your brain. Who out there wants to drop some acid?

Have I got your attention? Alright then, let me re-phrase the question. Who out there wants to feel like they’ve dropped some acid BUT don’t want to worry about the side effects that follow actually taking acid? Who doesn’t want the hangover, the depression, the cottonball mouth, the possibility of waking up in jail, and the fact that it is illegal? What would you say if I told you that I could take you to a place where you would feel like you were tripping on acid but you really weren’t? Would you take that trip? Continue reading ‘Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away’

The Matty’s: Best Actor- 2013

And the MATTY for “Best Actor” goes to……..

We got to get right to this MATTY. I hear there’s a storm on the horizon. A blizzard. Everybody’s got to get out and purchase their Nineteen gallons of milk, twenty-two loaves of bread, and four dozen eggs before this whopper hits. What are you going to do with all those groceries? Seriously, once the first flake falls are you going to bathe in a tub of milk? Or are you making 900 slices of french toast so you and your family can survive on breakfast during this devastating 24 hour long storm? Or maybe you are all just mental cases, listening to weathermen tell you to load up on these products just in case you’re stranded in your house for God forbid, 72 hours. Let me tell you, if you’re stuck in your house for three days, I guarantee you will not need 17 pounds of butter! (or whatever it is you got to buy mass quantities of.) Continue reading The Matty’s: Best Actor- 2013

The Mattys: Best Actress (Part III)

[xrr rating=5/5]

And the ‘MATTY’ for Best Actress goes to….

And we’re back, here at the luxurious Norwood Patch ballroom and concert hall. (Also known as my computer room.) And I see some beautiful faces out there… Wait a minute, no I don’t. All I see is my stunning mug and glistening, svelte body staring back at me from my full length mirror. You see, this is what a giant narcissist does to get himself through the day. I put mirrors up all over my house so I can always see myself. Sometimes I’m nude, sometimes I’m not. But all the time, I’m gorgeous.  Continue reading The Mattys: Best Actress (Part III)